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How To Apologize
Posted by Bowden McElroy in News & Culture
If I have to watch another public figure offer a self-centered and insincere apology one more time I may scream and throw my TV out the window. It doesn’t matter whether it is a politician or a sports figure or some one famous simply for being famous: I’ve had it with “apologies” that are really blame-shifting excuses.
It would be bad enough if I only had to listen to this drivel in the media. I also hear it in my counseling office, my church, and I read it in the comment stream of blogs.
When did we lose the ability to genuinely and sincerely apologize? Or is it that some people simply do not know how? For those who are socially inept and responsibility-avoidant I offer the following guide.
How To Make A Sincere Apology
First some definitions:
Sincere – Genuine, real, honest, with meaning and feeling; convincing.
Apology – a voluntary expression of regret for an offense.
Offense – a wrong behavior, failing to regard the feelings of others.
The words “I’m sorry,” do not come close to meeting the definition of sincere or apology.
Unless an offense is followed by a sincere apology these is no healing from the damage done by an offense. Forgiveness is not granted when an apology is not sincere. The offense does not lead to the offended person feeling understood, and leads to bitter feelings or a lack of trust for the person for the future.
Reconciliation is unlikely to ever occur if the apology is insincere.
A sincere apology requires taking the time and effort to put yourself in the place of the one you offended, in order to figure out how they might be feeling.
A sincere apology must include all of the following:
1. A fairly complete and detailed description of what was done that was wrong, or offensive, or hurtful to the other person.
2. A statement of understanding of what was wrong about the offense, and the impact the offense had on the other person, such as: the hurt, disappointment, or inconvenience of the offense.
3. The expression of an honest and realistic plan to change the behavior in the future, in order to assure the person there will not be a repeat of the offense.
Leaving out any of these elements leaves the problems caused by an offense unresolved, and leaves relationships and people damaged.
Forgiveness has to do with the past. Trust is based on the future. I can forgive you for what you have done and still not trust you. A sincere apology addresses both past and future. Reconciliation is the goal of a sincere apology. There may be an added element of restitution (call it step 3b) depending on the nature of the offense.
If you don’t care about reconciliation, then don’t apologize. I would rather hear an arrogant “oh well” than an insincere apology.
(My thanks to my colleague – Dr. Dale Doty – for his teachings on apologies and reconciliation.)
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Very good thougths Bowden.
If I may add a thought (a semantic device, but nevertheless powerful in terms of getting away from self-serving “apologies” that are merely blame pushers):
I ask folks (and do so myself) to ask for forgiveness rather than “apologize.” A lot of apologies of course start off with the self-effacing statement, “If” as in “if I hurt your, then I am sorry.” Of course the reason that we are all here is because I have done something that requires humility and contriteness. In asking forgiveness for a specific action, the blame is truly on me, and the power is shifted to the aggrieved victim – they have the power to forgive me or not. I have done my part in seeking restoration in saying I am to blame and have sought their peace by being humble and contrite. It is in the hand of the other then to complete the process by giving me then the hand of peace and reconciliation at their choose.
I liken the difference between “asking for forgiveness” and “saying an apology” to how we approach God. We would never (although some have) approached the almighty and said, “…if I offended you, hey I’m sorry.” Of course we know the answer to that – thats a pretty prideful expression without much humility. The example of how God forgives us of our trespasses and sins is then the model on how the offended party should deal with those who seek forgiveness from them.
Rob
Bowden, I would like to apologize for my part in what happened. I was an innocent victim of your evil actions, but I did not respond as I should have. Though this situation is clearly not really my fault, I apologize for any mistakes that might have been made.
I also have put in some new policies to try to assure that future mistakes will not be made.
I am truly sorry that you responded the way you did.
I hope my sincerity has come through here.
Dave, you really are a funny little man
Rob
Rob,
I understand what you are saying: my ASKING forgiveness points to personal responsibility in a way that OFFERING an apology doesn’t. I think it’s a good point. I intentionally use the apology language because it is a more commonly used phrase and I would like to encourage people to rethink or reframe its meaning.
Dave,
Oh well….
I appreciate the point of the post. The thing I find hardest when I need to apologize is overcoming my desire to “save face”. I hate admitting when I’m wrong. Sometimes I also think “What’s the point? They won’t forgive me anyway”. I pray that God will break me of my pride in that area.
Joe,
Sometimes the point is to be a role model for someone who hasn’t ever made a sincere apology. How will they learn if we don’t show them. I think this is particularly true of those of us who are parents (and those of you who are pastors).
Rob, I’m 6’4″ and weigh over 300 pounds.
Dave,
A funny big man then
Rob
John Wayne said, “Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.”
Of course, John Wayne was married at least four times and was often estranged from his children.
Have you guys ever had to look your child/children in the face and truly apologize?
First, I would like to add a word I like to use to help describe sincere: transparent.
Both the apologizer and receiver of the apology receive spiritual benefits with each responding sincerely. As Christians, I do not think we have an option of whether to apologize or not. We have to allow the offended the opportunity to forgive. (Matthew 6:14, 15) Somehow, we have to break the barrier of sincerity even if we have to be sincere and say that it isn’t sincere at this time but I will pray that God will help me be sincere and I will return when He does. (If that makes sense.)
A pastor sinned against the church when he had his deacons change the remodel plans of the fellowship hall the committee submitted to the church and was approved by majority vote. I was the chairman of the committee and approached the pastor about it. Three times I met with him and his countenance never changed and the kitchen was built the way he wanted it. We left the church. In my heart I still had a sincere desire to be reconciled with him and waited. My wife and I prayed that this would be bound on him per Matthew 18:18 until we were reconciled. It was 3 years and 19 days on Memorial Day 2009 when I was working in the yard and turned around to see the pastor standing alone behind me. Immediately, he began an apology statement he obviously rehearsed, just like the prodigal. I knew he was sincere and instantly said, “I forgive you”. We hugged and cried for a moment and he left. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. Later, I found out that during the time we left the church the chairman of the deacons who helped change the plan fell through the ceiling of the church and died the following day, the pastor contracted prostate cancer and his wife contracted breast cancer almost at the same time. Apology is important and connected to forgiveness in Christendom.
Great topic for a Friday. Thanks, Bowen.
By the way, since my contribution to this comment stream has been mostly negative, let me say something a little more serious.
I think Rob was on something important in the first comment. Terminology is not the most important thing, but I like the distinction between apologizing and asking forgiveness.
If I truly need to apologize, it is because I have sinned against them. We want to seek absolution, but not true forgiveness.
Bowdon, you give us a good lesson in what an apology should be. How about looking at a case study and seeing how it measures up.
When Bart Barber incorrectly accused the BGCT of withholding Lottie Moon funds from the IMB and was proven wrong, he posted something on his blog that was supposed to be an apology.
How about seeing how it stands up to your three points a sincere apology should include.
He first tried to blame the whole thing on the IMB by saying “International Mission Board No Longer Maintains that BGCT Is Escrowing Lottie Moon Christmas Offering Funds.” In other words it is not his fault it is the IMB’s fault. Actually the IMB never maintained the BGCT was escrowing funds.
He later states he put up the original post because someone else asked him to do it. Again it wasn’t his fault.
He then states this scenario seemed to him to be precisely the sort of thing that the BGCT would do. In other words even if they didn’t do it they are capable so it was okay to accuse them.
This is followed by the following statement, “I am glad to learn that this is merely a situation of lackadaisical inattentiveness toward Lottie Moon money on your part rather than deliberate withholding of these much-needed funds from our missionaries.” He has a strange way of showing his sorrow.
To put the icing on the cake and show the sincerity of his apology he states, “It would be unlikely for anyone to have placed into my mouth a lower opinion than I actually hold regarding the BGCT. The entire situation puts me in the bitter-tasting situation of having somewhat wronged an institution that I dislike and owing it an apology. So, to the BGCT, I apologize for not taking greater care in reporting damaging information about you.”
Could there ever have been a more sincere apology. He gives an inaccurate description of what happened. He shows no understanding of what was wrong about the offense. He shows no desire to change his behavior. He has taken this since of honor to the trustee board at SWBTS.
I would like to also give a positive example of an apology. I thought Ergun Caner’s apology after accusing Jerry Rankin of supporting heresy and being a liar was sincere and expressed proper repentance. Only time will tell if it marks a change of behavior.
Ron,
I listened to the SBCToday podcast where Caner apologized for calling Rankin a liar. I admit it I was impressed and the incident played a role in my writing this post.
The other pieces of inspiration were a memo written by my colleague – Dr. Dale Doty – and sent to all of us at the Institute and a counseling session I had where I had to walk a couple through how to apologize.
Re: your comments about Bart Barber: I’m disappointed to read them in this post. I don’t see where it adds much to the conversation except to tear down a fellow believer. We can all easily think of examples of insincere apologies: that’s why I did not give any. I’m not saying you shouldn’t say what you believe… I just wonder why you would choose a public forum (one on which he has not contributed to the comments) instead of emailing him directly.
I’m all for the free exchange of ideas; but a line of decorum should be drawn somewhere. Had Bart posted an insincere apology in this comment stream or had he made reference to an apology on his blog then debating/confronting him would be appropriate.
Bowdon, I am sorry you feel that way about my reference to Barber.
What brought Barber’s apology to mind was David Miller’s humorous example in #2. It reminded me almost exactly of Barber’s serious attempt at an apology.
I guess since his original charges and his apology was made in a very public forum I considered it could be mentioned here. I also believe I have seen Bart Barber on SBC Impact a few times. He is welcome to give his reasons for believing his apology was a good one if he wishes. I did attempt to put exactly what I wrote here on the blog where he made the apology but he stopped the comment stream. Others had made similar comments before he stopped the comment stream which I assume was the reason for stopping it. I would think your excellent comments on what an apology should be was worthy of a counter example of what an apology should not look like.
As for as tearing down a fellow believer, Bart Barber was very publicly tearing down fellow believers in the BGCT in his original untrue attack on the BGCT and his insincere apology. I believe we are all subject to being held accountable for our actions, especially if we are in positions of leadership in the SBC as Bart is.
I doubt if Bart feels I am tearing him down since he seemed to be very proud of his apology and that is nother reason that I thought it would be helpful to give this example. Some at SBC impact read the same apology I did and they still congratulated him on answering in an honorable fashion and showing integrity. I would be interested in knowing how their congratulations of Bart compares to their understanding of your thoughts on what an apology should be.
I’m going to chime in here, Ron. I have read pretty much everything Bart has written and have interacted with him a lot. We have disagreed on many of the issues that face the SBC.
But he is an honorable man. I do not appreciate what you said about him.
He was fed bad information. He apologized for publishing it. He admitted that his low opinion of the BGCT was a contributing factor.
I wish more bloggers had the integrity Bart Barber has. I just wish he would agree with me more often.
So, I guess I am the only guy in this comment thread who has ever had to truly apologize to his children.
So Dave, you think Bart’s apology was honorable and showed integrity. I have a hard time reconciling that with Bowden’s three points since Bart violated all three. I have to admit I don’t think I knew who Bart was before this issue came up so this was my first chance to view him as an honorable man. I hope this action was not an example of his honor.
Bart seems to be blaming the IMB for misinforming him. He wants to shift the blame to others. I have asked staff members and trustees if the IMB maintained that the BGCT was escrowing Lottie Moon funds. They said no. I think Bart owes the IMB and apology also.
If we wish to move on from contemporary examples, I think it is helpful to consider the similarities between Bowden’s 3 items that an apology should contain and what should be included in Biblical repentance. Can you have true repentance without these elements? Can our understanding of repentance help us with apologies or vice versa?
Also are there helpful examples of persons in the Bible having disagreements and then apologizing. For example, Paul called Peter to account because of his separating from the Gentiles. Later they seem to have had a good relationship. I wonder if Peter ever apologized and what he said.
CB,
I have apologized to my kids for mistakenly accusing them of things and for speaking to harshly to them at times. I probably should have apologized more oftern that I did.
Bowden,
I laid awake for several hours last night thinking over David Miller’s comment to me. I have a great deal of respect for David and do not want to disappoint him. I want to share with you my thoughts and get your response.
I think we can all learn a lesson from this topic. When we look at apology in an abstract way and consider your explanation, it is easy to agree. You gave an excellent explanation of what a sincere apology should be. However, when we get to actual situations, our prejudices and our politics control our judgment.
David Miller thinks Bart Barber’s apology was sincere, honorable and showed integrity. I thought his apology was insincere and was just a continuation of his attack on the BGCT. We are 180 degrees apart. It may be that most of the contributors to SBC Impact agree with David. There may be a few readers of this site that agree with me. How can an understanding of the role of apology come to opposite conclusions about Bart’s apology?
I would like to respond to David’s concern about Bart’s honor. Randel Everett, the executive director of the BGCT, has been my friend for 40 years. I know Randel to be an honorable man. Bart’s false accusations against the BGCT are accusations against Randel. In his apology Bart said even if Randel did nothing wrong he is guilty because Bart believes the BGCT is capable of that. I do not appreciate David congratulating Bart for his accusations against Randel’s honor. Jerry Rankin is also my friend. Bart has accused the IMB of being the one to falsely maintain the BGCT was escrowing funds. That is an attack on the honor of Jerry Rankin. I do not appreciate David saying Jerry Rankin and the IMB were feeding Bart bad information.
I want to also say that my opposition to Bart’s false accusation and his insincere apology are because of my respect for the SBC and my desire to defend it. Bart has attacked the integrity of our largest entity the IMB and one of our largest state conventions. In the past when I have tried to defend the SBC against untrue charges of liberalism some at SBC Impact have accused me of hating the SBC and ask why I don’t leave the SBC. I don’t understand their logic.
CB,
I, too, have had to apologize to my kids as well as to my wife. Difficult, painful, and humbling.
Ron,
I haven’t read the post you reference and I don’t keep up with BGCT politics so I have no way of knowing how sincere or insincere it is.
As I read through – again – my article and the comments it seems to me the reference to a specific individual (one who is not particularly a public figure: at least not outside the very small world of SBC blogs) came out of left field. I believe a first time reader would be thinking “who is this Ron guy and what ax does he have to grind against the other fellow”. Like I said… had he commented on this post and made reference to his own blog then what you had to say would strike me as appropriate. As it is, it reads to me like a hit and run.
Our commenting policy at sbcIMPACT states: Please exercise grace and humility when making comments… Please do not attack, slander, or malign any individual. We’re a very loose confederation of bloggers here at sbcIMPACT: each writer polices his own posts, applying the standards as he sees fit. (Occasionally there is a flurry of private emails back and forth as we try to reach a consensus.) My problem with your comment has nothing to do with the veracity of your thoughts – I haven’t read the article you reference – but with the context. I think your comment belongs on Bart’s blog, not here.
The incident mentioned herein was not my finest hour of blogging. I have learned lessons from it. I came to a point where information that I had passed along—information that I did not make up and that did not originate with me in any way—turned out to be impossible to substantiate. Perhaps Ron would have liked for me to have said that the information was wrong. But I do not know that it was wrong. I only know that something highly controversial and political, which I was foolish enough to report first, suddenly could not be substantiated. Was it a lie or a misunderstanding that someone used me to distribute? Was it a coverup that left me twisting in the wind? You don’t know, and neither do I.
But what remains entirely certain in my mind is my foolishness in attempting to play the role of a journalist although I do not have the training to be a journalist. I no longer attempt to deal with “breaking news.” I’ll let the journalists report, and I’ll comment.
This much should be obvious from the post that has been referenced herein—it was not a public-relations piece that I designed to curry favor with Ron West or anyone else. Rather, I honestly stated my position and opinion. The fact that Ron West despises what I said is evidence of my sincerity rather than my insincerity—capable of fabricating something that would assuage his high morals, I instead fabricated nothing and simply told the truth.
If that truth leads Ron to conclude that I am a contemptible sinner unworthy of being his brother, then it is not far from the truth.
Bowden,
I guess I thought it would help the discussion to have concrete examples. As I said before, it is very easy to discuss issues like this in the abstract but when you consider actual situations it can increase the learning curve. When we have church planting seminars we usually discuss principles as you did and then discuss case studies. That is what Strider has done in his post on the church above.
Bart’s original accusation and apology were discussed in great detail on many blogs for a period of time recently so I did not think it was very controversial to mention it one more time. I guess it occurred to me after reading what David said and remembering Bart’s apology was so similar. Also it was probably the worst example of an apology I have ever seen. That is why I thought it so strange that David and a few others who post on SBC Impact were practically giddy when congratulating him on it.
I had not intended to post any more on this subject but since Bart has commented I guess I should respond.
Sometimes on SBC Impact I think I must be in Alice in Wonderland where up is down and down is up, true is false and a false is true, conservative is liberal and liberal is conservative, and so on. If Bart had made his original response similar to and in the tone of his first paragraph above and said nothing else it might have ended there. However, now it seems he is taking back his apology. He now says that he spoke the truth when he said the BGCT was escrowing funds. In his original apology he says it was merely a situation of lackadaisical inattentiveness toward Lottie Moon money on the part of the BGCT. Now he says it was something “highly controversial and political”, which could not be substantiated. Actually the true facts were substantiated by the SBC executive committee when they said the SBGCT did send the money on when they were supposed to. Bart seems to have trouble accepting that and now believes he was the subject of a complex conspiracy of some sort. It seems to me he could solve this conspiracy if he would just tell everyone who gave him the information and asked him to report it.
Notice how Bart has become the victim because I “despise” what he said and I have “concluded that he is a contemptible sinner unworthy of being his brother.” Actually I do not despise what he said. I just think it is strange and as I said the worst example of an apology I have ever seen. I do not think he is a contemptible sinner or unworthy of being my brother. I think he is a very ordinary sinner who doesn’t have a good understanding of the forces he is caught up with in the SBC political system. By the way, since this incident I have checked out his blog two or three times and kind of like some of his thoughts on the GCR report.
When Bart attacks the veracity and integrity of the BGCT and the IMB and the SBC, it is no big deal to others on SBC Impact. It is just a bunch of letters to them. But to some of us there are names behind those letters. It gets personal to us.
Bowden, with your degree in Counseling Psychology maybe you can make sense of all this. I am getting too old to understand it.