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Re-inventing Myself
Posted by Bowden McElroy in Church & Missions
I had an interesting conversation with my father last month; he called on my birthday and started harassing me about turning 50.
Me: “I’m only 49. Don’t rush it”.
Dad: “You stick to that story son. You can probably get away with it for a few more years.”
Me: “No, really; I’m only 49. I was born in 1960; do the math… I’M ONLY 49!”
Anyone else and I would think they were teasing me; but that’s not Dad’s style.
Having another birthday was not a big deal. Taking my youngest child to college was huge. I’m not having any trouble adjusting to be nearly 50. Transitioning to an empty nest is a little more difficult.
I have helped usher three daughters through various phases of life. Princesses and Barbie dolls were, at one point in my life, important figures. I’ve read all of the Anne of Green Gable books. I eventually made it through all of Jane Austin’s novels. (I’m actually looking forward to reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies!
Being a dad has meant doing a lot of things I never thought I would do. Like watching the movie/musical Annie about a gazillion times. Or watching chick flicks in French with English sub-titles. On the plus side, I did learn to enjoy playing tennis, even if I never was any good at it.
Paying for two weddings within 15 months of each other was not fun.
Getting to know my sons-in-law has been fun.
There are no more parent-teacher conferences. No more lounging in a daughter’s room teasing her about her choices in music. Or boys. I still get calls about cars making funny noises or computers that won’t work right, but those calls are fewer and further between.
Being an empty-nester means I have a little more time on my hands. My wife and I have an opportunity to reinvigorate and reinvent our relationship. Professionally, there are some projects that have been rolling around in my head for years that I’m starting to get excited about.
I’m also starting to think about my relationship with my church.
As I look around I’ve noticed a number of people who begin to pull away from church/ministry activities. My observation – unscientific as it may be – is they represent the majority of middle-aged, empty-nester men. They are traveling a lot on the weekends: to the university where their youngest children are; to the cities where their older children (and grandchildren) live; or just traveling for its own sake (I imagine vacations are cheaper when there are only two of you instead of five).
I have observed a few men who become more involved in church and ministry activities. They seem to take a good portion of the energy they used in raising children and invest it into ministry.
I hope I become one of the latter.
What is your experience? If you are an empty-nester, did you become more involved in ministry or less? What have you observed in your church?
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Yesterday, I learned that friends of ours who have a son and daughter in college and facing the empty nest had received the news that their daughter has MS. She simply had a bad headache for several days with some other symptoms and went to the doctor, then the bad news that is changing everything.
I married at 27 and began a family at 30. My life was pretty normal with a son and daughter. After 10 years there was another daughter. Soon after that my wife contracted a mental illness called Major Depressive. Divorce was inevitable due to the paranoia and I remarried a woman with 2 children of her own that were the same age of my youngest. Together, we have 3 younger children ages 7, 10 & 11. I am 54 and you can do the math. It almost feels like the movie “Groundhog Day”. I know I am supposed to be feeling something different, but it is just not to be.
I am not complaining at all. I have approached life knowing that the road I walk is narrow. I find that the curves open up a new adventure in my walk with the Lord each time. I may never experience the empty nest and hope my journey continues to be ever changing in order to conform me to the image of Jesus Christ. Re-inventing takes on a whole new meaning in the path I am walking.
Great Post and Thank you for bring this thought to the surface.
Aside from having the house all to yourself, there probably won’t be as much change as you think.
It didn’t change our level of involvement in ministry at all. I suppose that’s because we were doing what God led us to do, all along, at least as we saw it. We didn’t spend weekends away doing family stuff, other than vacations, since doing church was family stuff in itself.
HUGE upside of this: When our older son was ordained at FBC, the line I recall him saying most, responding to questions, was “Dad always said….”. And some information I’ve read lately says that the level of Spirituality in the home far outweighs what kids see in church programs.
I think you’ll find yourself simply responding to what God sets before you, when the nest is empty, and any increase in Spiritual activity won’t really even be noticed. It wasn’t, with us.
Bob,
Positive words, thanks. I have plans to be even more involved in ministry. I’m an adjunct instructor at one of our local colleges and have been increasingly involved with the BCM.
I’ve noticed my evenings are a little more free these days. My wife’s schedule hasn’t changed and she’s most likely to work on her lesson plans until 8pm or 9pm and is therefore okay with me being busy elsewhere. I have plans to teach a study in apologetics and would like to start some kind of mentoring project where I match students at the BCM with Christian mentors whose jobs match the student’s college major.
Bruce,
You sound like my Dad: he and my step-mother have a yours, mine, and ours situation making me the oldest of nine. There is 30 years difference between me and my youngest half-sister (she’s one year older than my youngest daughter).
Sorry to hear about your friend’s daughter: MS is a tough diagnosis to have to hear.
Don’t let anyone kid you. Turning 50 is the start of a rapid downhill slide! The mind is willing but the flesh is increasingly weak and flabby.
Actually, I had West Nile Virus when I turned 50 and was laying in bed trying to die!
As you can see, I believe in always keeping a positive attitude. People call me “sunshine.”
Brother Bowden,
These are interesting times…. My daughter is a Junior at the University of Tennessee and we homeschool our 15 year old boy. The empty bedroom (my daughters’) at the end of the hall took a while to get used to, but it seems the cost of phone services and many other things has expanded to fill that vacancy.
I do realize more time with one out of the house…. and it gives me some focused time with my son. So, we are not quite at the empty nest just yet.
When the time does come though, I have thought about how to allocate the time to more ministry. As I told a guy a few days ago, ministry to me is like an amazing vacation. So, I look forward to taking many more vacations with folks and the gospel.
Blessings,
Chris
When my only daughter was a senior in high school and visited the school where here mother and I met I stopped by the non-traditional student office to check what it would take for me to finish the degree I started 28 years earlier. Turns out I was only a few classes from a bachelors degree. She graduated in June and I graduated the following December. I immediately enrolled in seminary part time. That is how we have spent the last 3 years of empty nest. I never felt I could complete either while I was raising a family. My wife got behind me and we are pushing forward. By the way I tell people if 40 is the new 20 then I am 29!
Ralph