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Networking: Social and Otherwise
Posted by Bowden McElroy in News & Culture
Yesterday morning – Monday morning – I was standing in the kitchen at 5:30 trying to clear enough of the cobwebs out of my head to remember where we keep the coffee, when my daughter walked in. She looked as dazed and confused as I felt.
Me: “What are you doing up?”
K.D.: “Mother woke me up to tell me the schools are closed. I couldn’t get back to sleep. What about you?”
Me: “Same thing. She fell back asleep with a smile on her face, but it looks like I’m up for the day.”
My wife teaches first graders and a snow/ice day is truly a time of celebration. But we weren’t celebrating;instead, the two of us shared a special, early morning, father-daughter bonding moment over hot chocolate (I never did find the coffee). This time next year she’ll be at college and my wife and I, after 28 years of raising children, will be empty-nesters. We drank our chocolate and laughed at the latest silly thing her mother had done (“Hey!”, my daughter reminded me, “She’s your wife… that means you CHOSE her.”) I’m going to miss those times. I already miss her older sisters.
Fortunately, there’s phone calls, emails, text messages and facebook for keeping in touch with my two oldest girls. Facebook, actually, is a fairly new tool in my arsenal of keeping up with others. The girls are dismayed “older people” (meaning anyone over the age of 30) are using facebook. When I asked one of them to be my fb friend I got a phone call: “You’re on facebook, Daddy? That’s just creepy.”
Great. Now I’m both old AND creepy.
FB allows me to keep up with my daughters. It has also allowed me to reconnect with some old friends. There was an old friend from high school: an exchange student from the Philippines who taught me how to play soccer. A friend from college who is now a pastor. Even a very sweet, older (meaning anyone at least 15 years older than me) lady from one of my previous pastorates. There are new friends - whom I have never met – face-to-face.
One virtual acquaintance recently wrote about the dangers of fb: remember the adolescent angst of asking someone to be your friend and then getting rejected? Another wrote about the pros and cons of social networking: you really can have too much of a good thing. (I don’t know him – not even in the virtual sense – and won’t risk rejection by asking him to be my fb friend, but I have it on good authority that mentioning/linking to Ed Stetzer is an excellent way to drive traffic to your site.)
So far, I like the idea of fb; I just have lots of kinks to iron out. For example, how often should I update my status? I change it about once each week. My older daughters think that’s too much: yet more proof of my high creepiness factor. Yet, some of my friends update every time they grab a cup of coffee or have a bm: way, way, way too much information. Should I get on the twitter bandwagon? Is my life really exciting enough to update or tweet multiple times each day? It’s not like I’m Ed Stetzer flying here and there, meeting with really cool people, doing important things. My day pretty much consists of see a client… write in the medical record… see another client… write another note… see another client… etc., etc, ad infinitum.
One of my goals (not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions, but I am a committed goal-setter) is to increase and improve my social networking. I’ll stick with facebook, I may give twitter a try, and I’ll definitely keep up with face-to-face meetings. I want to keep the connections with family and friends. I spend far too much time in my office interacting only with colleagues and clients.
And maybe – just maybe – Ed Stetzer will ask me to be his friend.
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Bowden, I’ve become a big fan of Facebook for many of the reasons that you have mentioned. In addition, as a pastor, I’ve found that it is a very simple and effortless way to maintain contact with many of my church members. I’ve prayed for several individuals through facebook. scheduled haircuts, and remembered birthdays. Believe it or not, I even think it deepens relationships with fellow bloggers. It turns out that the antagonist that spars with me in a blog is actually a really nice guy with a family with whom I share much in common. I for one think it’s a good thing! BTW…will you be my friend?
Dave,
You would want to be a friend with an old, creepy guy?
The serious tone beneath this lighthearted post has to do with how we use social-networking tools; is it ministry? Fun? Meaningful connections or a substitute that fools us into thinking we have real friendships when we really don’t?
I see potential but I’m not fully convinced.
Facebook allows friendships that would otherwise not exist. It is not a substitute. Don’t believe the naysayers that would mock facebook. I KNOW people that I regularly see MUCH better because of facebook. We don’t always have time for a real conversation, but facebook keeps us aware of each other. When the time for a real conversation comes around, it’s much more real and sincere.
It’s a tool for expanding our circle of influence. Status updates that even vaguely point to Christ will show up on the pages of folks who don’t believe. MANY non-believers are my facebook friends. I’m not trying to be overt and intrusive, but my blog posts get copied to facebook, and there’s a good chance of Christian influence and witness that they may otherwise never encounter.
Yes, it’s fun. Just like life. Yes, it’s ministry. Just like life. These are VERY meaningful connections, and the more you use it, the more you’ll see that to be true. It is a “personal” thing, and it is a bit creepy to get too personal, but the big problem that many twenty and thirty year olds have is that they are revealing things about themselves that they REALLY wish their parents and other fogies didn’t know. They feel that facebook is a private world, and they resent the intrusion of the sin police. Facebook tells a lot about a person – musical preferences, religious beliefs, what they read, movies they like, who they hang out with, etc. There’s a lot of information there that a lot of generationally shifted Christians would prefer the old conservatives to not know. That causes them to discourage older folks from joining the circle. That, however, is a reminder that SOMEONE is always watching our testimony. Use it as an object lesson.
I’m convinced. Greatly convinced. Facebook is a loaded tool. Use it. Use it well. Simultaneously, enjoy it.
I believe it’s a better tool than blogging.
Bowden,
Next time I’m back to visit the folks we need to meet so I can be more than a virtual friend!
Sola Gratia!
Bowden,
What really disturbed me about this article is that you had to actually hunt for the coffee!!!!! What???? Hunt for the coffee? That’s like saying that you couldnt find your car when you walked out of the house to drive to the office. This concerns me greatly.
David
For those who are more business minded, there’s also Linked-in which is another networking tool. I’m a big fan of FB as I don’t have to e-mail pictures of my kids to friends anymore, that alone is worth the price of admission!
Has anyone actually ignored a request from someone who asked to be your friend? I haven’t yet but I was tempted a few times
Bernard,
“Generationally shifted”?!? I’m not sure what that means, but I think I’m offended. I see value in social-networking tools. I also see it as potentially consuming time I don’t really have, hence the reservations.
Scott,
Looking forward to it!
David,
Yesterday I needed a cup-o-joe to find the coffee: but I’m not addicted or anything.
John,
LinkedIn is another networking tool I’ve flirted with but haven’t really done anything with.
Facebook is a very cool way to connect with people. It doesn’t replace real-life, obviously, but it is a nice way to keep up with what’s happening with each other.
And of course, sbcIMPACT couldn’t go without a facebook presence… you can join the sbcIMPACT blog network or the sbcIMPACT group (or both, if you’re a REAL fan)…
I like FaceBook. I don’t love it. But I have reconnected with several people from my “olden days.” My kids still like MySpace, though my senior does seem to be making the college shift to FB.
I guess my favorite thing is being able to keep up with everyone’s fresh photos. I do that regularly. It’s great, like John said, not having to e-mail stuff. Just have people check FB.
I am a HUGE fan of FB!
I started when I was teaching the youth girls. Bowden, I know you understand how hard it is to connect with your three girls. Try connecting with 15 of them.
FB allowed me to schedule events, post prayer requests to our group wall, prepare them for Sunday Mornings and a whole array of teacher responsibilities.
I also see that youth and even adults will share more in a typed message than face to face. There is some pseudo anonymity by revealing yourself in a message versus the hurdles finding time alone to build repoire and safe ground to share intimate feelings.
I learned a lot about each of them by reading their daily statuses and made a point to comment at least once a week per student. I really believe FB and other networking sites provide a great method for connecting with others.
I could go on & on about the many things I love about FB, but to spare everyone will simply leave it at this as an effective ministry tool!
Thanks for your post! And now I know what to get you for christmas-a neon colored coffee container.
Have a great one!
Meredreth
I first got into social networking (friendster.com) about five years ago. I noticed a lot of my students were into it.
I’ve been on facebook for under a year. I really enjoy it and I’ve found several old high school and college buddies.
Bowden – Offended? I hope you’re not seriously saying that. If so, please forgive me. No offense intended. If you understood that to be some indictment against your daughters, that’s not my intent either, although I would be very surprised if ANYONE has children that have NOTHING in their life that they would keep from good old Mom and Dad.
“Generationally shifted” – the inherent straying from the exact beliefs of the parents due to the continuing anti-Christian spiral that our world is in. It seems that almost without exception, each generation is more tolerant of particular lifestyles and activities than their parents. The teenage/twentyish “rumspring” creates a lot of this, because each generation flirts with things that they were denied during their childhood and then rarely completely return to the “values” of their parents. This is not to say that the parents are right and the children are wrong, nor vice versa. This is simply a shift in behavior. The word is a “Bernard” invention due to what I have observed very specifically in my own family and in many others. It’s a shift in behavior that very clearly follows generational lines in a lot of cases that I have observed.
What I’m getting at here is that parents might not, for instance, be very happy about their college age children going to Metallica concerts (even though they don’t mind Garth Brooks), thus the children might not necessarily discuss it with their parents. However, all their facebook friends know about it, they posted the pictures of the trip, etc., and thus when the parents visit the “child’s” facebook page, they face undeniable evidence that their offspring are involved in things that they feel are unadvisable. Sometimes it’s even worse – parties, sexually overtoned exchanges, criminal activity. Perhaps it’s simply an excessive association with the homosexual community. Perhaps a parent could discover that their child is gay, and maybe the child isn’t ready for that. Perhaps it’s a biracial involvement or encounter that the son or daughter would prefer to keep private. It’s well known within their “world”, but facebook / myspace has a tremendous capability to make these things very public, and the intrusion of parents into that world makes the child very uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s even so simple as a son or daughter persuing a more liberal – or even more serious – relationship with Christ and they discuss things that would make the parents uncomfortable. Often, there is a lot of “history” involved with facebook that can be looked at, and some of it could be destructive to relationships. This leads to a lot of the “I really don’t want my parents on my facebook page” thought pattern. I have learned a LOT about kids in a youth group that I once “assisted” with that is very disappointing, and while I hold no judgmentalism toward them and still love them dearly, I know that they are in places and doing things that don’t honor God and don’t further their Christian walk, assuming that they really have one. All because of facebook / myspace. Am I being nosy? No, not on purpose, but they possibly / probably regard my very existence in their world as an intrusion. Much like an older guy showing up at a party. They just don’t like it, because we’re from different worlds.
Bernard,
No. I’m not offended; amused at a phrase I had never heard before, but not offended.
My own girls weren’t/aren’t afraid of my seeing things they wish I hadn’t seen; it’s more of a “what? are you trying to look young” kind of a thing.
I am amazed at the lack of insight some people show. How can anyone put something on the web and then be surprised when Mom or Dad or a boss or a spouse finds it? That’s not a generational issue, that’s just evidence of not thinking things through. You would be amazed (or maybe not) at how often facebook or MySpace becomes an issue in marriage counseling. Some people appear to believe they could list their status as ‘single’ or openly flirt on a web site and their spouse would NEVER notice.
Stupidity: it’s not a generational issuse.
Just as a note – the definition of generational shift was to explain my point. Generational shift is not my point.
I just joined the impact group on FB. I’m in the red coat standing by the North Sea.
Bernard, you summed things up very well on a lot of points.
I am having a great time on FB connecting with grade school friends, people from where I lived overseas, fellow church members who have moved away, distant relatives far away, all sorts of people.
But my young relatives for the most part are not my FB friends. They are rather horrified I am on there. Once they hit 25 or 30, they are not bothered by my presence as much. In their case, they are not doing anything wrong (I have my ways of monitoring) as much as wanting a private world from adults. As Bowden said, the lack of thought in thinking that the internet is private.
There are a lot of open to public view profiles on FB by young teenagers I know. They often are not doing anything “wrong”. But as an example, they will list “House” as a favorite show. The ones I am thinking of are 12-15 year old teenagers who list Jesus at least third or fourth in their list of favorite things. I am sure their Christian parents know they watch House. Possibly watch it together.
My parents would not have let me watch such a show at that age.
So in some ways, Bernard, FB does not only reflect the generational shift of present Christian teenagers, it reflects the generational shift of present Christian parents.
I’ve had my own troubles with social networking – but I still maintain that it has the ability to become the most powerful soul saving tool ever invented if we learned to use it in that way.
I use FB, but I REALLY wish there was a good Christian alternative, without the ads. There is virtually no privacy using FB, and so it caters to people loved to share “what I’m doing right now.” When I update my profile, all my friends know about it.
What does a man do when he has teenagers in the church inviting him to “be his friend.” It doesn’t seem right. There’s a reason your daughter thinks it’s “creepy.”
So, for maintaining contact it’s good. I do hope that the Lord avails something that is free of ads, that is more private, and that allows for deep discussion. The online groups meet this bill, but the momentum is behind FB and will likely continue until someone (hint SBC) comes up with an alternative.
Bowden you’re not creepy and old isn’t so bad
-Terri
I have found FB to be both fun AND useful. I am so happy to have been able to reconnect with people that I went to elementary school with! I have also received several different requests from people asking about God or life, because of our church FB page. An interesting turn, to say the least.
I have a MySpace page, but seldom if ever even look at it. I don’t like it at all. I will admit subscriptions to Plaxo and Linkd-in, but don’t really use those either. For me it is FB and blogging.
Together, they waste more time than “Hearts” or “Minefield” ever could!