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Violence in the Church – An Introduction
Posted by Guest Author in Church & Missions
Our Guest Writer today is Zach Nicholson. Zach serves as Pastor at First Baptist Church, Palacios, Texas. He earned his undergraduate and graduate degrees in Theology at Houston Baptist University. Zach is married to Crystal and they have a son and a daughter. His personal research and study leans toward New Testament ethics and church health related topics. For relaxation he enjoys reading literature, and when that doesn’t work he watches the UFC. Zach’s main purpose in entering the blogging world is to foster and nurture the continued effort of Southern Baptists to think through and discuss various but critical facets of faith that stem from our confession, “Jesus is Lord”.
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I believe domestic violence is almost as prevalent in our churches as it is in our communities. 74% of all Texans (my state) have a family member or a close friend who has experienced some form of domestic violence, or have experienced such violence themselves. 31% of all Texans report they have been severely abused at some point in their life. I’ll hold off going on and on with statistics, but will note that when I was pastor of a church with a Sunday School attendance of 80-90, at any given time I was involved with an average of three abuse situations. All of these situations involved people associated with the church in some way – one being the wife of a music minister. My purpose here is not to shock. My purpose is to make it impossible to deny the prevalence of family violence among God’s people and in God’s creation.
Christian mandate- Old and New Testaments both issue clear instruction, even commands, to protect, or more accurately be a blessing to, people who are helpless, vulnerable, and easily taken advantage of. Widows, orphans and aliens usually seem to be the groups mentioned in scripture. Today it seems to be more the unborn, aged and poor. I propose women and children (even men at times) living in violent homes also fit into this category. I say that any church in this country (and I mean any) seeking to offer effective and meaningful ministries outside of the church and inside of the community will have to learn how to navigate this highly difficult issue.
Why it is untouched- I am thankful for the few churches and pastors giving serious attention to this problem. However, one of the questions that lingers is, “Why is so little attention given to this issue within the setting of the Church?” For me, in order to bring it successfully into the spotlight, I must first have a deep understanding of why it has not yet been in the spotlight. I offer three reasons and ask for others to offer more. I know many of you can help with that.
1. The theology and practice of marriage and divorce silently pushes us away from the issue of domestic violence. Slippery, but real, questions present themselves in this arena. Pastors literally spend hours trying to keep spouses together. Spending energy on a heavy issue that may cause a spouse to leave the home seems to emotionally split a pastor (it does me).
2. Domestic violence seems, to me, to be the most dangerous ethical issue a person can get involved with within the Church in America. The life threatening nature of getting involved with helping abused people break the cycle of violence at home is itself enough to mute voices and pause action.
3. Preaching, discussing or standing corporately against domestic violence does not fit well within the context of the rapid church growth machine. On a side note, it seems to me many other ethical issues are never put on the table for discussion and action for this same reason.
I look forward to the respectful sharpening that I see so often here with comments and questions, and I am thankful for such a large group of thinking disciples.
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To me it seems since this is a scary issue people would rather stay in denial that is just not that bad. They can’t fathom that people they know could act so sinfully – and the other party didn’t do something to push it. I can’t say that I blame on them on the one side of my logic, but on the other I just wish it was that easy.
I find that alot of people would much rather sprinkle what I can ‘spiritual pixie dust’ on things, and pray that it turns around somehow. “WORK on yourself, and don’t worry about the sins of the other.” type of responses are better than getting into the trenches…and coming to the aid of those that truly need it.
other Examples:
Do your best to be the best spouse you can be, and the bible states you may be able to turn what seems to be an ‘unbeliever’ around.
It could be your spouse doesn’t feel loved and respected, and that is WHY they are lashing out in this fashion.
You can only change yourself, and make God your only Partner in life!
I know one person when their spouse was called out they were instantly transformed, and YOU can have that miracle also…..just pray harder!
Worry about your role in marriage, and learn to be more submissive and things will learn around!
On the surface it looks like there isn’t alot wrong with those statements, but if you look closer at domestic violence circumstances they can be downright dangerous. They ask the victims to have faith, and they don’t have enough faith to get into the trenches themselves. Pat answers are given, and they are never expected to follow up with action…to help the broken person that is committing the sins against the family. They all need our help, and if you look closer NONE of them are getting anything. Its truly sad.
The abusive party can be scary, and I think at times they are afraid if they help the family because they will have to help the scary person also. It may take to much time and energy. I have to wonder at times if it may be fear, because what if they do things and it doesnt’ turn is the issue around? Those pat answers they gave before didn’t work – what do they do then? LOL Can’t blame them! There are no easy answers!
The bible states that fellowship is important, and we can make huge differences in what God wishes us to do for the world with his help. We spend more energy finding food for the hungry, and staffing our coffee hours than we do helping those in serious danger. I have to wonder if people are after the positive feedback of KNOWING they are helping something, instead of wondering HOW to help and realizing at times some circumstances may never change. That doesn’t mean you aren’t helping, but they may think it is. I don’t know. I do think fear is the basic factor behind NOT dealing with this. I can understand it as well, but if we ask the victims to do things without fear…..we need to stand up and do the same.
There isn’t any easy answers. Abusive people are broken people, and to me they need God most of all! They tend to be enabled at times instead of approached. I guess with human nature that would be normal, but we as Christ followers need to be stepping out of our comfort zone…and being MORe to human nature!
My prayers are with you as you approach this issue.
Thank you for your prayers. I sense you have thought about this issue before as your comments reflect deep reflection. I, too, understand those responses you outlined above. And I too reject them as appropriate responses for victims of family violence.
You are right, there isn’t any easy answers. Broken people need to be restored. Both victim and abuser need the presence of Jesus Christ. I have found that because there are no easy answers, and because such a high level of energy is needed to navigate and work in this field, we as followers all too often choose to not engage this area of ethical work.
You are correct in stating that church theology about marriage and divorce have a great impact on church reluctance to deal with the huge problem of domestic violence. I am a woman who has just gone through 2 1/2 years of painful healing after finally escaping a violent husband of 29 years. The desire of some church leaders to keep families together at all costs nearly cost me my life. They somehow believe that the church will collapse if marriages do not remain intact. Individual human beings have become much less precious than inseperable couples. Much effort was spent to help me to heal and then to hold by husband “accountable” in many ways, but the obvious end result was apparently that we MUST reunite to live together. When this took a long time, the facts that made my husband’s “repentence” obviously a deception were ingored in favor of impatience to see the desired reunion. I had to fight for custody and safety for my children, who were terroirized by visitations with their father.
I believe we are progressing and many church leaders are listening. Perhaps some are beginning to see that human beings are precious. Marriage is not “sacred” enough in the church world. If it were “sacred” it would not be tolerable to see it bloodied by habits of violence. We forget that we really do not look better if we enforce the togetherness of violent marriages. We forget that the individuals in those marriages are loved by other family members and friends and they tend to spread the unfavorable view of a church that allows destruction of those they love.
I just wrote a note to a friend including several things I have learned about the assumptions that a great many church people make:
1) The abused woman is held responsible for her husband’s spiritual condition. Our leaders may deny this belief, but their assumptions speak otherwise. There is an attitude that the marriage MUST ultimately remain and that the leadership must be seen as able to FIX nearly every abusive husband.
2) Marriages are much more important than human women. Focus is on marriage to the detriment and neglect of a ravaged woman’s life. Churches may refuse to offer healing programs unless the end-focus is reconciliation in the form of a reunited marriage. This focus makes healing from trauma impossible.
3) Jesus’ declaration that He would TURN family members against each other (Mat. 10:34-36) is regarded as unacceptable. To regard those words seriously is to be considered strange or unloving. (My love does not save one soul or create truth. I know that by experience, having lavished love on the merciless.)
4) The abused woman is treated as if she is not due respect for her relationship with God and the choices she makes as a result. Even efforts to finally try to protect herself and her children are regarded as “worldliness manifested” rather than as the wisdom that comes from a God who loves His children. Control by church leaders attempts to replace the husband’s control which the woman has sought to escape. It makes no sense to behave as if a woman who has served God through the worst opposition would suddenly run amok if church leaders do not put her under their thumbs.
5) The abused woman is put in the position of defending herself constantly as the church members question every move she makes. It is as if her seperation from violence makes her suspicious. Her manipulative husband undermines her gladly and he knows how to seem very believable. This carries on endlessly the pattern of lying accusations the woman has suffered from the husband who was destroying her.
6) The abused woman is punished for staying away from the source of danger: her abusive husband. The husband may be prohibited from certain privileges as well, but for them to both be punished as if they are equally violators is a horrible injustice. Even while the church preaches God’s gracious gift for our sin’s penalty, in practice we have no problem with the fact that one woman can be punished constantly for years for things she never even did and then be further punished by the church as she tries to finally simply choose life. Then, the woman is additionaly accused of lacking grace for the abuser bacause she is depriving him of her company. What company? Company is not what we were to the husband.
7) The abused woman, therefore, is not one of those who deserve protection, in church practice.
The abused woman is generally regarded with suspicion for it is much more convenient for many others to feel that perhaps she deserves what happened to her. Marital abuse tends to be regarded as more of a personal spiritual walk than a destruction of a human being for no reason. We might not look at a prisoner of war and tell him to go back to his prison because it is such a great place to suffer for refinement. Yet, we do just that freely towards abused wives who try to escape and live. If they do not find God’s encouragement to go back to the man who still shows deceitfulness, it is regarded as lack of mercy on her part.
9) The area of abuse in marriage is an area of great sin in the churches by their disregarding the Holy Spirit’s guidance in individuals who are victims of abuse. Fellow Christians greatly provoke their sisters to sin by disobeying the Spirit’s warnings in them. It seems it is very hard to believe that God would care enough about us that He would remove us from torment and consider it OVER. His doing so whould display kindness to the oppressed, which is exactly who He is. His display of such kindness and release does not fall on the abused as lack of mercy for the abuser “for pete’s sake”! Yet that is exacly the angry-eyed accusations we hear.
SO:
10) In the eyes of a huge portion of the church, the abused woman’s only worth is in her requirement to belong to her husband at some point. The prevailing belief is that he will inevitably change (chapter and verse?) and the woman is to wait like a worthless lump until she finds the pressure so unbearable that she must return to the all-important marriage. I assume that everyone will smile and hold up the marriage as a badge of accomplishment. I would offer that kindness to a desperate woman needing love and protection is a wonderful honor and something God will smile upon personally – no strings attached.
Thank you for speaking about this. We in the church see warning our children not to play in the highway as loving parental protection. Speaking up about the horrible and real destruction of women and children, however is labeled “bitterness”. I would call that another way to shut us up in order to imaging that is can stay our hidden secret. There are many “sheep pits” and “pig pens” cheerfully ignored in our churches.
Cheri,
First, I thank God you are alive and broke/breaking the cycle of violence. You have gone from victim to victor and have remained in the church despite poor responses from your brothers and sisters. Though you did not comment to get one, you should be affirmed for your courage.
You struck a deep cord for me. Because marriage and people are sacred I say we should make very strong public and private stances against family violence. Thank you for articulating it the way you did.
-What involvment would you propose the Church should have in working with people who are victims of family violence?
-Would you agree that much of our poor response might stem from lack of dialogue and preparedness?
I will attempt to tackle this!
The church – unless they are trained in this – need to find alternative sources to help others with this. Its okay to say they NOT qualified, and may not have the resources to fully handle this!
People to often send couples to counselors, but are the trained in abuse? Some will say they are, but if you ask some questions you will realize they may have read some…but truly aren’t. Their advice could make things worse.
Its so strange to me how I find that churches are afraid to contact local domestic violence shelters! There are all kinds of myths surrounding these places within the church! YET if you speak to the DV places MOST of them are dying for some local help in faith matters for their victims! There needs to be cooperation, and some sit down talks!
There are also faith based organizations like Focus Ministries (not assoc with focus on the family), and Faith Trust Institute, PASCH. Also there is an organization called http://www.theraveproject.org/ that is online PRIVATE learning organization to HELP pastors deal with this issue within their church!
I wouldn’t recommend you just ship these people off, and NOT follow up!
What about preaching about domestic violence, and having cards in the bathroom stalls of contact information with local help? I read once that a church got a group together (keep in mind not all women can do this) for victims and survivors, and they were always switching places they meet for safety reasons of partcipates.
Keep in MIND that most victims will do a REALLY good job of mininizing their issues! They will not think it is to bad, and they won’t tell you the really BIG stuff right at first. Its like they stick their toe into the water, and if its cut off – they don’t come back. They seem to think that if they dont’ get creamed every weekend – there case isn’t that bad. Abusers can be very sweet, and they think there is true good in them. I will admit that may be the case, but they also tend to ignore the evil. They are scared!
I would say MOST of the issues surround around ignorance! “Why doesn’t she just leave??” sounds like a pretty good question, but if you LOOK at the dynamics you realize its very simplistic and insulting. lol wish it were that easy!
I also think one of the biggest issues is FEAR! The issue scares people, and when you are faced with it – its MORE scary! People seem to place the marriage before the people! DEAL with the marriage later – we need to get our priorities straight here! If you look at how people deal with it in alot of cases I think of the saying, ‘path of less resistance’. They concentrate SO much on the victims part, and truly ignore the abuser for the most part. lol victims are easier! Marriage counseling is always offered, and yet is very dangerous to couples in this realm. You will be lucky if the victim opens her mouth at all about the ‘real’ stuff, and if she does she will be lucky if she doesn’t pay for that dearly after they leave!
I think the poor response is fear of divorce, fear of the abuser, fear of looking at other scripture they pretend isn’t there for the moment, fear of accountability, twisted view of ‘roles’, submission…and quite frankly not clearly LOOKING at the Spirit of Christ and what he would have DONE in these circumstances!
I have to admit we as christians at times look like royal idoits when it comes to this issue. The world looks at the abuser as a nut, and dangerous….we look to the wife to pray harder to help fix him! Sacrifice the children and her own well being to keep that family together! Allow the oppressed to live with the oppressor even tho we KNOW the acts are unlawful, Immoral,evil, unethical, etc. We just tell them we will PRAY For them! I can’t blame them for thinking we are nuts as well! lol! I read a couple of sites staying if the wife flees she is upsurping his leadership! The messages you get at times almost look like they condone it, and yet they say they don’t. There is no action just what I call spiritual pixie dust!
It truly breaks my heart, and for years I have received letters from these ladies (and some men). I was kicked in the gut with the misunderstanding of this issue, and I have to believe FEAR is the biggest factor!
Zach, you are correct that much of our church stance stems from lack of preparedness. I do believe this is an issue on which the devil has been working for a long time. He found a sacred ground where he can actually work inside the church with the help of the church to destroy women and children. I would relate it to the way many churches responded in NAZI Germany. They were not uncomfortable, so they looked away from the pain of individuals.
My own Pastor believed he was doing a good thing when he arranged for our no-contact order to be lifted for couples counseling. As a result, my husband used everything we opened up about in one session to pin me into his imaginary corner on the next session. I was suffering PSTD and doing pretty well until then. Those months pushed it to the point of terrible, constant pain. When I finally recognized that, my Pastor agreed to discontinue the couples counseling. He was trying his best with what he understood. Most Pastor’s do not realize the tactics of abusers or how good they are at manipulating lies to sound like truths. It is hard for normal people to comprehend that a man who goes to church and does good deeds can have no conscience.
Every church should have thorough education about this issue. This should include the congregation as well as the leaders. The congregation is very easily drawn into the abuser’s web of “poor me” lies if they cannot recognize how they work. There are patterns that seem almost scripted in their similarities and those patterns can give us a heads up. Personally, I have come to the point where I wonder who will make me squirm this Sunday at church. Every incident hits me like a boulder out of nowhere because they come from the abuser’s imaginations rather than anything I could expect.
One of the suggestions I made to one of our Pastors was that at the outset of the revelation of an abusive relationship the abuser should be required to stand before the congregation and declare some things publicly. 1)He should admit to the fact that he is the abuser and it is not his wife’s fault. 2) He should warn the congregation that he is in the midst of a pattern that is very rarely changed. In order to continue as a church member, he is willing to be held accountable so that he will be seen as one of the few truly delivered by God. 3) He must warn the church that he is a very real danger to his wife and children and any time they declare that he has made them feel uncomfortable, the wife and children are to have church support. 4) He must declare that at no time is he to be taken seriously if he begins to try to pressure his wife to do what she is not ready for. He must declare that he is not allowed to critique her. 5) He must admit that he does not deserve anything from her and she owes him nothing – she has already paid with her health just for trying to be a wife. That is more than required. He will have a tendency to complain and feel put out for his “deprivation” and any support he is required to provide. 6) He must admit that what he has done is a crime and he is very thankful that his penalty is so small compared to what it would have been if committed towards anyone other than his wife and children.
I would think if a man was willing to admit these things there would be real hope for his repentence to be real. If he tried to manipulate anyone to feel sorry for him or blame his wife, they would be forewarned not to fall for it and this might let her heal. It was the church that made my healing so much slower because of lack of information.
We need church support. Support groups provided by government organizations are very nice but rarely populated by people who can relate to our Christian scope, so your expression becomes stifled. On the other hand, even a spiritually mature woman may not need Bible Study as the answer to her post-trauma brokenness. Her mind needs a break and a lot of kindness. I personally was like a person whose clockwork was broken. It was horribly painful and I could not get myself from room to room very often without extreme effort. I needed lots of sleep for awhile. We as a church need to know the facts about what happens physically to a woman who has tried to stick with the marriage for a long period. They are in a hospital state and may need babysitters and meals for awhile. Instead, we might get frequent visits from men in leadership who check on us to make sure we are going to get the marriage back together soon. That’s enough to set you back a great deal!
The law and the government are helpful, but it is the people who care about you who really keep you safe. The church should be that kind of family. They can report anything suspicious so that it does not turn into an emergency. They can surround the unsteady wife and encourage the children. They can go through the legal process with them and refuse to make declarations in favor of a husband trying to take the children away or even to demand joint custody.
It is often people outside the church who warn you when you are in danger and need to find a hideout where you will be safe till the abuser cools off. Many people in the church are supportive and wonderful, but it feels like you are ripped apart by those who believe the abuser. Much of this occurs because abusers tend to force you into a state of isolation from close relationships. You get to know people after you are away from him, but so does he. This division could be alleviated if we were prepared before it became an issue.
The church should be a place of close relationship. A Christian can find no greater bond than that which is spiritually united as well as friend-oriented. When a person is finally broken to pieces they need the most comforting relationships possible. I think many women would be less tempted to leap into immoral relationships with men after they escape an abuser if they feel safe and loved within the equally yoked community of the church. We seem to practice the opposite and treat them somewhat distantly. Surround them! Cause them to know they are encompassed by the Hands, Feet, Ears, and Heart of Jesus within the Body of Christ. Oh! How wonderful that would have been to feel so comforted and loved that it would be safe to heal.
I drew a picture of the good Samaritan story during my days of couples counseling. I told my husband that he was the one who had put me on the side of the road near death. In order to gain any trust he had to make a complete change and turn, in my eyes, into the good Samaritan who was willing to put me in a place of healing and provide whatever was needed. We lie on the side of the road around our churches and a great many members walk by. They don’t want to know and they don’t want to get involved. They put the burden of our own healing on our own shoulders. They blame us for not praying hard enough. Then they go their way and raise a huge sum of money to go on a mission. I want to be a missionary to those women on the road, waiting. Speaking is the start.
Blessings!
WOW is all I can say Cheri. You nailed it.
Hannah and Cheri,
Thank you both for your feedback. I ask about the church’s role because I believe we, who have been entrusted with the Gospel, have the resources and the voice to offer what I call the threefold answer to domestic violence. We can prevent violence if we would put forth a united effort. We can do what shelters do in an emergency (although I do feel we should work with our shelters). We can offer real hope and long term support to those breaking the cycle.
My hope is to build/plug into a network of fellow pastors and disciples who will work in this field and educate others to do the same. My model is the threefold model above. Prevent, respond, see through the end. I thank God I have the amazing honor of leading a church that shares, for the most part, this vision. They have been so receptive to this work and many have experienced some of their own healing by just operating within a community of faith that discusses and condemns violence in the home. Not that we are the shining model. We are still learning. But our people are becoming the Samaritan. They do have the eyes that see and the ears that hear. It is hopeful, friends. Pray for me as I continue to try to bring this before others. My vision is big but my man/woman power is limited.
Blessings to you too!