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Thoughts on Family Focused Faith (Part 5)
Posted by John Stickley in Bible & Theology
Thus far, this series on family focused faith (based on Voddie Baucham Jr.’s book), has touched on a number of topics: the discipleship void, issues with modern Christian parenting, cultural influences affecting our views toward kids, idolatry in Christian families, and Biblical submission.
Today, I want to touch on the topic of legalism.
Voddie’s book addresses the topic in this manner:
Sometimes we fall into the trap of substituting legalism for a biblical worldview. For example, we set hard and fast rules for what our children wear, watch, see, and hear but never take the time to develop the kind of thinking that would guide them in such decisions. Don’t get me wrong. I believe wholeheartedly that parents must diligently protect their children from ungodly influences. I also believe that limits must be set and rules must be established. I am simply suggesting that limits and rules are insufficient in and of themselves.
If all I give my children is limits and rules, they will do what I tell them as long as I am around. But once they leave my home, they will live in accordance with their worldviews, not my rules.
Parents, let me ask you this:
That majority of the time, if asked, would your kids be able to explain the reasons behind your rules?
Would their answers reveal a sound Biblical basis for matters, or would they simply fall along the lines of, “well, mom and dad said so”?
I don’t know what your experience has been, but for me, the latter answer would often be heard. The path of legalism is such an easy trap, especially with the busy nature of life. A quick “don’t do this, don’t do that” or “you have to do this, and that too” is often the path I take.
Of course, my kids are also 6, 3, and 1… short attention spans are prevalent at our house! (Yes, that includes me!)
Anyway, let’s get practical here.
What methods work well for you all in helping your kids develop a solid Biblical worldview?
What are some common areas of legalism you see in Christian parenting efforts?
How do you determine where the line of legalism lies in child raising, given that some “do this / don’t do that” rules are clearly necessary? How do you recognize when you’ve crossed that line, or when you haven’t been “legalistic” enough?
I’m sure there are some other thoughts / questions you might have on the matter, so feel free to share.
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Brother John,
Having a daughter now in college and a son in high school, I can say that the best thing I have ever done for my children is to instruct them concerning the mercy God shows in His “righteousness” not their “legalism”. When I have successful achieved this,…I can see they understand that God is outside of them and not something that they can muster up if they complete the list of things I require of them as a parent. They still have plenty of things to get done around the house and in life, but the most important aspect that I stress with them is to understand the Gospel and the power that God has shown us through His Word, which is not in any way dependent upon us.
Titus 3:4-7 But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, (5) He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, (6) whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, (7) so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Psalm 119:138-144 You have commanded Your testimonies in righteousness And exceeding faithfulness. (139) My zeal has consumed me, Because my adversaries have forgotten Your words. (140) Your word is very pure, Therefore Your servant loves it. (141) I am small and despised, Yet I do not forget Your precepts. (142) Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, And Your law is truth. (143) Trouble and anguish have come upon me, Yet Your commandments are my delight. (144) Your testimonies are righteous forever; Give me understanding that I may live.
So my goal is for my children to understand the immense mercy and righteousness of Christ, and that legalistic performance is a sham from Satan prepared for those that follow him. Teaching them to understand the difference is difficult in an age when the church is ignorant of the Gospel and enamored with things to do to earn their religious gold stars. But, it’s a beautiful thing when they understand that the Gospel is foreign to legalism.
Blessings,
Chris
Brother John,
That majority of the time, if asked, would your kids be able to explain the reasons behind your rules?
My four-year old, yes. My one and a half year old, no. – Yes I realize we are in the minors compared to some of you guys with grown kids :^)
Would their answers reveal a sound Biblical basis for matters, or would they simply fall along the lines of, “well, mom and dad said so”?
Yes and no. At this stage we explain as much as possible with our four year old. An example would be that she knows it is not nice to hurt her brother. She even knows that God doesn’t like it when we hurt each other. This is not nearly as complex as the issues we are sure to deal with later… our prayer is that this is a strong foundation.
What methods work well for you all in helping your kids develop a solid Biblical worldview?
We are beginning Chronological Bible Storying with them. No commentary, just stories from the Scriptures. Our daughter often asks great questions at strange times with regard to life. We try to use these as times to share God’s heart with her.
What are some common areas of legalism you see in Christian parenting efforts?
Having had so much interaction with other cultures and seeing that it is not one size fits all, I do get a little frustrated having to teach our kids to be quiet when they are having a lot of fun in an inappropriate situation (grocery store, friend’s house, even a worship service). However, they do have to learn to behave in a socially acceptable way & we always explain that at that time, “being loud” is “rude to others”… though I wonder if she understands!
How do you determine where the line of legalism lies in child raising, given that some “do this / don’t do that” rules are clearly necessary? How do you recognize when you’ve crossed that line, or when you haven’t been “legalistic” enough?
I’m not sure how much this question applies to a four year old or one and a half year old, but I’ll give it a shot. As long as there is a purpose to the “rule” and they understand the purpose (at an age-appropriate level), I think, while they might not agree, they are more apt to respect the rules. I say this because my parents did this with me and it worked well.
That being said, it does seem that parents are inclined to impose not only rules that honor God, but also rules that honor their own cultural norms – length of hair, style of music, type of clothing (not referring to immodesty), style of language, etc. – I, as a man who regularly wears a dress, pants, turban, baseball cap, sandals, dress shoes, beard, bigger beard, etc depending upon the situation, have no use for such rules. The question for me is whether or not the things they are doing are loving or hurting God and other people.
I know this is simplistic, but our eldest is only four and our issues are not nearly as complicated as those many of you have already dealt with. I am looking forward to gleaning much from the comments today!
May His face shine upon you,
From the Middle East
This is apt to be long, but it’s a pretty good story.
About 1975, I was in NYC on a business trip. Peg called to tell me that our son had a harrowing experience. He’d gone out to ride my motorcycle, and Peg told him to be back at 8pm. He’d ridden to a friend’s house and the friend’s dad had taken a spin on the bike, so my son went for a “joyride” with another friend, there, in his pickup.
They drove around a construction site for apartments, cutting donuts. Then, went back to the house as my son said he had to get home by 8. When the dad wasn’t back on the bike yet, my son said he’d best stay and wait for him, as he didn’t want to be late.
Another kid got in the same seat my son had ridden in, they went back over to the apartment site … right behind the friend’s house; the truck hit a curb, flipped over, the kid sitting where my son had been was ejected, the truck rolled over on him and killed him. All while my son was watching.
I was able to tell him, after I got home, that the 8pm time was arbitrary, but his obedience to it probably saved his life. And God’s instructions may seem arbitrary, too, but they’ll save our lives if we’ll obey Him, whether we understand it or not.
My kids are 5-1/2, 4, 2-1/2, and 12 weeks.
The main things I am trying to train them in is this:
1) You were made for God’s glory. Ask any of my kids (other than the 12 week old) why they were made and here’s the answer; For God’s glory.
2) Obey your parents. God wants us to learn to obey Him by obeying our parents when we are children.
I agree with Voddie in principal, but there really is no way to explain Worldview to small children, they have to absorb it.
I will continue to explain a biblical worldview to them, but I will not expect them to understand it for a few years.
What I do expect of them is obedience to God, to me and to their mother, not the “rules.”
Obedience to me comes first, then a biblical worldview comes out of that. (If I am teaching them right!)
I have not yet read Baucham’s book, but I trust that I am not disagreeing with it in any substantive way.
My husband and I have four daughters, 26, 22, 17, 15, (and one bathroom).
Over the years we have often caused people, church people mostly, to be very confused. We didn’t ascribe to spanking, which made most of our friends assume we didn’t discipline our girls, which confused them because our children were fairly well behaved.
Our friends and acquaintances also quickly learned that our girls were not “daters” and never would be, group or any other form that dances around the issue, or pretends to protect them. It confused our friends and aquaintances because we were openly confident that they would be ready to be married at eighteen or so if God so chose to send a man to marry them. Those folks weren’t sure how that could happen if the girls didn’t date at least in the various forms that church culture has invented.
This is just the tip of the iceberg on how weird and confounding we are. Our daughter’s brother-in-law laughs and says, “pay a buck see the freaks” when ever we find ourselves explaining our obvious strange but confusing behaviors. But my husband and I are most notorious for our stance on purity and our unconventional, by modern Christian standards, manners on this particular issue.
I just asked my sleepy young adult here at my side, specifically about “not dating”. And she answered appropriately, not that she gave an astounding party-line speech, I would be concerned about such a thorough answer off the cuff.
I know, I am confident that, not only did my oldest two girls, who are married, understand deep in their hearts how important it was to allow their father to protect them and guide them until they became one with a man of God’s choosing, but that my youngest two are looking forward to seeing how God will work things out in their lives the story he has for them.
That tells me that one of our biggest “rules” in our house is not a rule but a heart matter. I am sure that the rest of our “rules” would be the same, except for washing windows and making beds. That they just stinking do before mommy monster catches them.
John,
My children have known nothing other than me being in the ministry. I did my best to protect them from the “fishbowl” syndrome, which sometimes causes Pastors to over react to little things that don’t matter. Nonetheless, with my oldest daughter, who is now 22, I was way to strict and invasive. The only comfort I found because of my actions was a quote by Chuck Swindoll. He said that many will have to say to our firstborn, “Sorry, I learned on you,” If I can give one piece of advice it is this. When our children get older, they, for the most part, want to do the right thing but they don’t want to be told anymore. I found this out before it was too late and my daughter had some good times with us before she went out on her own. I fear that much of our legalism is a ploy to keep our children from doing what we did as youngsters and it always fails miserably. There is no substitute for trust and mercy. Trust when they go out and mercy when they come back. My two younger children, who are now 19 and 16, have much freedom, make many mistakes, but surely appreciate that we see them as people and not pawns used in game that is intended to make myself look good.
Scott