Is It Okay To Have Sex Outside of Marriage?
If someone came up to you right now and asked you, “What’s wrong with having sex when you’re not married?”, what would you say?
Our culture has been changing its attitudes about sex for the last 30 years. According to one poll, only 49% of American women believe sex before marriage is immoral, and that’s down from 65% who believed that in 1970. According to another poll, 47% of Americans say that it’s wrong to have children outside of marriage but 50% responded that it is not wrong. Other surveys tell us that 80% of Americans name the Bible as the most influential book in human history and 58% believe the Bible is totally accurate in all it teaches. If most people believe in the Bible, then how can half of the people in this country think that sex outside of marriage is okay?
God has provided us instruction on the proper use of sex and the improper use of sex. And we should be aware of God’s instruction on the issue of sex so that we will not fall prey to the false teaching that it’s okay to have sex outside of marriage. The Apostle Paul directly addressed this issue to the church in Corinth.
Corinth was a city which was given over to the worship of sex. A thousand priestesses from the temple of Aphrodite that stood on the little hill behind the city would come down into the streets at night and ply their trade. Sexual immorality was accepted and highly regarded in that culture. Some of the Christians in Corinth were trying to justify sexual immorality by their freedom in Christ and so Paul addressed the issue of sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 6.
6But brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers! 7Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
12All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. 13Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.
15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! 16Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.
18Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” (1 Cor. 6:9-20)
So what’s wrong with sex outside of marriage? In this passage, Paul gives four reasons why a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage.
POINT 1 – The first reason why a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage is that it’s sinful.
In verse 9, Paul provides a list of examples of the sexually unrighteous. Now this is a representative list, not an all inclusive list. Anytime Paul gives a list in his writings, it’s always a representative list. It’s the character of the list that’s important, not whether or not a specific thing is on the list. Someone might try to justify their perversions by saying that what they do isn’t on Paul’s list of sexually immoral acts. Paul is listing examples of sexually immoral acts, and just because a certain act is not on the list, does not necessarily mean that it is not immoral. Now let’s look at the character of this list.
The first example listed by Paul is translated in the NKJV as “fornicators.” The NIV translates this word as the “sexually immoral.” But what does Paul mean when he refers to a fornicator or the sexually immoral? The literal definition of this word is “an unmarried person who has sexual relations.” Now, this would include anyone who isn’t married, whether they have never been married, or whether they’re divorced, or widowed.
By definition, this word includes anyone having sex outside of the God-given institution of marriage.
The next example of the sexually immoral are the idolaters. How could idol worship be construed as a sexually immoral act? Let’s not forget the fact that the city of Corinth practiced illicit sex in their worship of Aphrodite. In this context, Paul was pointing to the immorality of the heathen worship.
The third example in the list are the adulterers. The definition of an adulterer is one who is married and has sex with someone other than their spouse. Paul includes in his examples of sexually immoral behavior, those who are not married, those who are married, and those who would use religion as an excuse for sexual immorality.
Last, but certainly not least, Paul includes in his list of the sexually unrighteous, references to very specific behavior regarding homosexuality. God’s word is crystal clear about the sinfulness of homosexuality.
24Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. 26For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. (Rom. 1:24-27)
22You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination. (Leviticus 18:22)
In 1 Corinthians, chapter 6, verse 9, Paul is very specific in that he includes two separate words for homosexual acts in his list. These two words, which are translated as “homosexual” and “sodomites” in the NKJV, describe BOTH partners in a homosexual relationship. Therefore, Scripture is clear in its denouncement of homosexuality, as well as all other sexually related immoralities. Scripture is clear but there are other Christian denominations who say that it’s okay to be a homosexual. If those other Christian denominations who say that homosexuality is okay and ordain homosexual ministers, can’t understand the Bible any better than that, then I sure don’t want them interpreting any part of God’s word for me. It’s obvious to me that they’re not drawing the truth of God’s Word FROM the text, but they’re placing their opinion of truth ONTO the text. That’s not the way to rightly divide the word of God.
Paul does not suggest that those who commit these acts cannot repent and receive God’s forgiveness. He makes it clear in verse 11, that salvation is available for all who trust in Jesus. Paul names those who pursue the kind of life described and who have NO DESIRE for change from their degradation. Those people who are satisfied to continue such a life will not inherit the kingdom of God because such a life is not the mark of the redeemed. And so the first reason we should not have sex outside of marriage is that it is sinful.
POINT 2 – The second reason a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage is that Christian liberty does not give us the right to be sexually immoral.
In verses 12 and 13, Paul addressed two slogans, or phrases, which the Corinthian Christians were using to justify their sexual immorality. These slogans or phrases, were used in a way that would be similar to the way people today use slogans to verbalize a viewpoint such as, “If it feels good, do it.” In verse 12, Paul begins a pattern that he will use frequently throughout the rest of the letter, that is, he quotes a Corinthian slogan, and thereby giving it a limited endorsement, but then at once he substantially qualifies it.
The first slogan that Paul addressed was in verse 12: “All things are lawful for me.” This slogan was allegedly in support of Christian freedom, in that in Christ we are free from a set of rules. In Christ, we’re not bound by legalism. We are not constrained by rules. By repeating this phrase, Paul agrees with the inherent truth of it, but notice that he immediately qualifies it by saying that although all things are lawful for me, not all things are helpful.Some church members in Corinth apparently viewed the doctrine of grace as a license to do anything they wanted to do. To reject legalism doesn’t mean that we embrace unrestraint. Our liberty in Christ does not imply license. We are constrained by our love for Christ and our desire to serve Him and represent Him faithfully to a fallen world.
The second quotation of the Corinthians is, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for foods.” Paul agrees with the basic affirmation of this quotation that food does not defile a man. Although, he’s in agreement with the basic affirmation of the second quotation, he strongly disagrees with the way the Corinthians have been applying it. The Corinthians were using this slogan to justify sexual immorality by saying that food and sex are simply physical desires that should be satisfied. Paul’s immediate response to the quotation was to appeal to personal responsibility. The Christian is a truly free man, not an enslaved man. His bondage to Christ is freedom because it allows him to fulfill God’s intention for man. But what some of the Corinthians were teaching was not freedom but license. The body is not for sexual immorality, but for the Lord” is Paul’s way of saying that the body is not meant in the design of God’s creation and redemption to be used as an instrument of immoral sexual gratification but is to be treated as the temple of the Holy Spirit. Christian liberty does not give us the right to be sexually immoral.
POINT 3 – The third reason a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage is that our bodies are members of the body of Christ.
In verses 15-17, Paul reminds the Corinthians that their bodies are members of the body of Christ and he uses the example of having sexual relations with a prostitute to make his point.
Christ is the body of which individual Christians are members. Since God will raise our bodies at the resurrection and since our bodies are parts of the Lord’s body at the present time, it’s unthinkable that a Christian would join part of the body of Christ to the body of a prostitute. Sexual relations means, in a sense, that two people become one physically and mentally. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24)
A person who joins his body to a prostitute becomes physically and mentally one with her in a life of “flesh,” or sin-centered existence. But a person who joins his body to the Lord becomes spiritually one with Him in a life of spiritual union. Paul expressed the horror of associating something as impure as prostitution with the perfect holiness of Christ. Sexual immorality creates the grotesque connection of Jesus Christ, who is the One who represents ultimate commitment with an act that represents the most casual of relationships. Our bodies are members of the body of Christ, which is pure and holy. It’s our responsibility to keep our member of the body of Christ pure and holy.
POINT 4 – The fourth reason a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage is that our bodies are not our own. We belong to Christ.
The temptation to illicit sex in Corinth was so strong that Paul apparently felt the need to emphatically warn them by advising them to “flee sexual immorality” (v18). Running away from temptation is to be preferred to the risk of yielding to it. Paul states that sexual immorality is a sin against our own body. Scholars also point out that gluttony and drunkenness are also sins against a man’s personality and his physical body.
This may be true but even so, no sin other than sexual immorality involves so much giving of the total personality—emotion, mind, and will—in violation of God’s revealed intention. Sexual immorality involves a degradation of the sexual relationship, an indifference to the claim of Christ over our total personality, and a denial of the sanctity of the body for future fellowship with God. The sole purpose of this sin is the gratification of lust; and therefore, it is probably the most selfish of all sins.
Paul tells us in verse 19, that the Christian should honor and care for his body as the very sanctuary of God.
We no longer belong to ourselves, but to God, who purchased us as a prized possession through the gracious giving of His Son. You are not your own because you belong to Christ. You are not your own so your selfish interests must not claim your life. It’s because we belong to God through redemption that we make it our goal to use our bodies to glorify God. Since we belong to God, our bodies belong to His service.
When we live for God and thereby praise him with our bodies, we do so in joyful obedience. The command in verse 20, to “glorify God in your body and in your Spirit,” becomes a source of joy because it’s the fulfillment of His purpose for our bodies, without which we cannot fulfill his purpose for our lives on earth or in “heaven.”
When Paul says “You are not your own,” this is the most sufficient answer to all the argument about “All things are lawful for me,” which is nothing more than the idea that “I can do as I please.” As God’s own, the Christian is free. Free to do what God pleases. Christian freedom is in God and under God; It is not freedom FROM God.
And so if we’re to glorify God in our body and spirit, we must flee sexual immorality. When a Christian engages in sexual relations outside of marriage, he or she profanes the holiness of the body of Christ.
When a Christian engages in sexual relations outside of marriage, he or she distorts and perverts the purposes of their own body in God’s plan. When a Christian engages in sexual relations outside of marriage, he or she places their own selfish desires above the desires of God.
Good word!
I deal with this constantly in my ministry (which is why I write about it all of the time on my blog and published a book about it).
Feel free to use any of my articles over at my website if you deal with youth/young adults.
Not to detract from the main point of your excellent post; however, in a future discussion could you possibly address how to increase the frequency once you’re inside? :)
Brother John,
I think you have hit on what is not taught concerning just one of the many benefits in marital relationships. It seems we spend a lot of time focusing on the sex act from a negative angle when discussing with our children and youth.
I took the opposite approach with my children,….and it became obvious to me during my conversations with my daughter and my son on the subject of marital relations, that she and he matured much quicker with respect to the subject by having it exposed positively. She is now a sophomore at the University of Tennessee and we continue to talk about why sex in marriage is a marvelous gift that God has given his children and how God has provided a way for the man and woman to obey Him as His church is birthed throughout history.
It is no mystery to her that sexual relationship beyond the context of a healthy marriage is a tragedy and is sin. That is a given. What I want my children and wife to understand is the gracious benefit and pleasure of what God has provided for the man and the woman without sin entering into the equation. It is easy enough to preach on what not to do….but a little more difficult to preach about what to do.
Hollywood is an excellent teacher on the perversions of the wondrous gift of sex. We need to confront their error not only with the easy confrontation of “don’t do it” (that’s the easy and less effective way out),… but with the much needed instruction of why God has given his creation this glorious gift for man and woman in marriage! Train up a child.
Blessings,
Chris
In addition to the insightful observations Les makes in his post, I also think Chris is on target in the need to emphasize the positive.
As my father used to say (not exact quote), “God is not a cosmic killjoy. He is not in the business of trying to make your life miserable. Every time He tells us ‘thou shalt not,’ He is, at the same time, saying ‘help yourself to happiness.’”
Although, admittedly, there are people who strictly adhere to marital fidelity who are not happy, and there are people who do not who are superficially and temporarily “happy,” true fulfillment, blessing, and happiness in life come as a result of living according to God’s standards. He knows best what is best for us.
Les, your four points are excellent. I would add a fifth: God gave us the sexual act not only as a way for husbands and wives to unite with each other, but also as the means of producing children.
When the unitive and procreative dimensions of sexuality become separated, God’s plan for us is thwarted. Unpleasant results always follow, in the next life if not in this one. Since children belong in the context of a family with married parents, that is where the sexual act belongs as well.
It is only in the last century that contraception became widely accepted among Protestant Christians, and it really took off when the pill became available in the 1960s. That premarital sex came to be more acceptable at the same time is not an accident.
Les,
I think you may be “preaching to the choir” here… I doubt many people will disagree that God doesn’t want us to have pre/extra-marital sex (unless you’re like John Daly and want “extra” marital sex – *nudge nudge, wink wink*).
Anyways, I do have a couple comments regarding your post.
Point 1 is really the only reason you need, as far as I’m concerned. God says it’s wrong, therefore it’s wrong :).
Now, regarding Point 2, I am going to have to disagree with your interpretation of this point. Your point is “The second reason a Christian should not have sex outside of marriage is that Christian liberty does not give us the right to be sexually immoral.” You proceed by pointing out that Paul said, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful…” I interpret this phrase as exactly what it says. To use similar terms as this post, We do have “license” but that doesn’t mean we should use the “license”. In other words, someone who is following Christ is free to do what he wishes… but if he is following Christ, his wishes change. So we have the “right” to be sexually immoral, but to do so would not reflect our relationship with Christ. In fact, it is only a consistent relationship with Christ that can prevent sexual immorality and of course only a relationship with Christ that can save us.
I only point this out because this is where people will shout “LEGALISM! LEGALISM!”. We cannot rely on ourselves to become sexually moral, we must rely on Christ. To rely on ourselves may encourage others to think that we are “works-based” rather than Christ-based.
Just some thoughts.
God’s Glory,
Lew
The Pursuit Online Store
PatrickW,
My wife and I have made a conscious decision to not have children. How does that fact play into your comment?
Also, what do you mean by “Unpleasant results always follow, in the next life if not in this one.” What sort of unpleasant results do you see in scripture? and are you talking about reincarnation? I’m confused by that statement.
Thanks,
Lew
Lew, by next life I meant unrepentant sinners go to hell. No reincarnation intended. :)
Obviously I don’t know your marital situation. In general, I would respond that a marriage that deliberately closes off the creation of new life is giving up a great and precious gift. It is a decision I think is best left in God’s hands.
Kevin,
Thanks for pointing us to additional material on this topic.
John,
Well, that’s another topic for another time. :)
Chris,
Excellent approach. Perhaps we can all learn from it.
David,
Absolutely. Good word.
Patrick,
I agree with your fifth point. Obviously, God commanded Adam and Noah and thus, us as well, to “be fruitful and multiply.”
Lew,
Oh, how I wish point one would be enough for all Christians.
I would rather be prone to a cry of “legalism” than to overstep my freedom in Christ. Our freedom is constrained by our love for Christ in all things. Love for Christ is given by Christ and is not mustered up on our own. I believe we are in agreement on that.
Les
Les,
Good :).
Patrick W,
Thank you for the clarification. Although, you may not have realized it, but you basically said I was an unrepentant sinner and going to hell.
Put those two statements together (from comments #5 & #8): “When the unitive and procreative dimensions of sexuality become separated, God’s plan for us is thwarted. Unpleasant results always follow, [in that] unrepentant sinners go to hell…”
I’m sure that wasn’t your intention though.
And for what it’s worth, my wife and I have decided to not have babies for many reasons (one of which is my own based on biblical warnings of the end times)… but also we have talked a lot about adopting children to give them a chance before we bring more children into the world. We feel that it would probably be best to help those who are already suffering.
God’s Glory,
Lew
Brother Patrick W,
I have some questions for you:
1. Given your seemingly negative comments about birth control in comment #5 and your comment that children or no children is something best left in God’s hands in comment #8, it would seem you are opposed to all forms of birth control. Is this accurate?
2. If your answer to my first question is “yes,” would you please comment on how biblical ethics and overpopulation of the Earth (of which we are to be stewards) play into your theological convictions.
3. Is adopting INSTEAD of procreating a sin?
May His face shine upon you,
From the Middle East
Lew: I don’t take that passage the same way. I think the “all things are lawful”, means all things that are not inherently sinful, like what we eat and drink for example, but that we might abstain under certain circumstances.
Patrick: Do you really believe we can thwart God’s plans?
Lew – it is not my place to judge anyone’s soul. We are all sinners in various ways. I hope you will pursue the adoption alternative. There is a great need and I’m confident God will bless your willingness to help a child.
From the Middle East – you conclude correctly, I oppose all forms of artificial birth control. So did almost every Christian denomination in the world until the Anglicans approved it back in 1930. So I’ll turn the question around: have you abandoned centuries of Christian teaching on this? If so, why?
Babies are not a disease to be prevented; they are a blessing, made in the image and likeness of God. He designed men and women to reproduce. It is not our place to thwart His plan in order to satisfy our own desires. Overpopulation is the least of my worries. The environment in the U.S. is in far better shape than many countries with much lower birth rates and population density – Russia is a good example. Likewise, there are places like Costa Rica with higher birth rates and superior environmental stewardship. Obviously it is possible to be open to life while also being good stewards of the Earth.
Is adopting instead of procreating a sin? Maybe. I think a lot depends on the circumstances of the family involved. My point is that we should be open to God’s design for us, whatever form it takes.
Bill – I believe God will allow us to thwart his plans, just as He allows us to sin. Then He lets us live with the consequences of our actions.
Brother Patrick W,
To answer your question, no, I am not ready to abandon any “Christian” teaching that is explicit in the Scriptures. However I do not find this teaching in the Scriptures. But, it would not be the first “traditional Christian” teaching that I disagree with (Earth being the center of the universe, morality of the slave trade, etc).
I do, however, oppose all forms of birth control that are capable of killing an unborn child. But, getting back to the question posed to you…
My assumption is that you are a Christian and, as such, desire all to understand the Gospel, turn to God and live according to His precepts. If even 80% of the world were to do so and put aside their birth control, what do you think the WORLD population would look like in about 200 years? You can access a brief article on the topic by clicking the below link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overpopulation
It is one thing to apply your principle to those living here in the United States of America where resources are abundant, but to glimpse future possibilities for our ancestors if all peoples were to do away with birth control is quite a different matter. The global implications are significant.
To prevent the birth of child number 14 or to play fast and loose with the precious resources God has blessed us with… which is the greater sin? Or could it be that this is a matter or eating meat or not eating meat?
His peace be yours in abundance,
From the Middle East
My assumption is that you are a Christian and, as such, desire all to understand the Gospel, turn to God and live according to His precepts.
Correct.
If even 80% of the world were to do so and put aside their birth control, what do you think the WORLD population would look like in about 200 years?
I have to take issue with the dichotomy you are establishing here. Our responsibility is to follow God’s word. He does not ask us to do the impossible.
As Les noted above, we are commanded to be fruitful. He gave us the ability to create new life in a pale reflection of His own act in creating Adam. If we trust God and follow this command, He will handle the consequences of it. Abraham trusted God when told to sacrifice Isaac, as horrific as it seemed. He made sure everything worked out in the end.
Peace be with you.
Brother PatrickW,
Thank you for your interaction on this topic.
I do agree with your statement that we are to be obedient to Jesus and He will take care of the rest. While we are most certainly commanded to be fruitful, we are also commanded to be good stewards of the Earth God has entrusted to us. Which, once again, brings us back to my final two questions to you in comment #15.
On a similar note, you stated that “we are commanded to be fruitful.” To which I agree. I guess the real question is whether or not this is quantified in Scripture?
His mercy be yours in abundance,
From the Middle East
Well, I almost did not comment because the conversation has moved on and I am late again but here goes.
These are all good and right points. But they are not good enough to reach the folks in our pews. I think we need to hit them with love. The fact is that sex outside of marriage is unloving. People who have sex apart from marriage are using each other and the damage that it does to ourselves and our communities is screaming for us to stop- but no one is listening yet. Our Church members are being discipled by TV rather than the Bible they rarely read and it is not giving them this message. Love one another. This is the command that Christ gave us and when we use each other and walk away we hurt each other in brutal ways. I was at a party today and a couple of young couples were there. It was obvious to me and everyone else what level of ‘relationship’ they had. I weep for them because no one is there to tell them the truth about what they are doing to each other. Even if they get married the scars will hurt them for years to come. Let’s stand up and tell the truth- but stop using the ’sin’ word because it has lost its meaning. Let us use the word love and teach each other how to love well and if we do then newly married couples wont need years of counseling before they can enjoy sex.
Leave your response!
Want your picture to show here? Get your own Gravatar!
Recent Posts
Most Commented
Hot Topics