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tagged: Baptist Life, Church Life, Discipleship, Family, John Stickley, SBC Issues, Student MinistryThoughts on Family Focused Faith (Part 1)
Posted by John Stickley in Bible & Theology
A couple weeks back, I shared the introductory post to this series (“The Discipleship Void”), where I shared a few facts and figures that seem to indicate that there is a real lack of discipleship occurring in modern churches. In that post, I noted that discipleship efforts focusing on developing spiritually sound families seem to hold much promise in addressing some of these problems.
Today, I want to dive into this series and begin exploring the topic of family focused faith with you. As I’ll do for the entirety of this series, I’ll start by sharing a brief thought or two from Voddie Baucham Jr.’s book, “Family Driven Faith”, and follow up with a few questions and thoughts of my own to foster discussion.
Anyway, here goes. Today, we’ll focus on parenting goals of modern-day Christian families.
Voddie writes:
Many families have been lulled into what I like to call a full-screen view of parenting. We look at the biblical mandate and compare it to societal norms, and there appears to be something missing. We believe that somehow we are depriving our children of experiences that will make them more liked, more respected, more normal. Hence we trade in the biblical standard for a cultural norm that hovers just below mediocrity. All of a sudden our desires for our children change. Now all we want for our kids is what “every other parent” wants for their children.
Voddie spends a bit of time elaborating on this “full-screen” vs. “wide-screen” view of parenting. If you’ve ever watched wide-screen movies on DVD (and have a standard TV set), you’ll know what he’s talking about. Wide-screen DVDs take up the entire width of your screen, but have black bars at the top and bottom… it looks like something is missing. Full-screen movies don’t have the black bars, but the entire screen is filled by cutting off the sides of the picture. Hence, full-screen movies appear complete, but are, in actuality, missing quite a bit of the big picture.
Voddie notes that many of us prefer the full-screen view of parenting, even though it cuts out part of the full “wide-screen” picture of Biblical parenting. We focus on ensuring that our kids grow up “normal”, and we lower the bar for our parenting efforts, sacrificing God’s standard for the lesser standards of the world. We make our goal for parenting our children any number of things: ensuring they get a top notch education, helping them to become great athletes, preparing them to find their future mate, etc. While these are certainly not bad things in and of themselves, we often place these ideals as the consuming goals of parenthood… far above that of ensuring that our children learn what it means to be devoted followers of Christ.
With these things in mind, think about the time you spend with your children. Think about the things you spend time teaching them about. How much of that time is spent talking about matters of faith?
What do these thoughts reveal about the importance you place upon instilling rock-solid faith in your kids?
I suppose, given our audience here at sbcIMPACT, that it’s not entirely unlikely that many (if not most) of you will be proud of the answers you give, for good reason… you’re probably stellar Christian parents, fulfilling well the Biblical roles you’ve been given.
I wish I could say the same, though… when I go through this exercise, I’m less than satisfied. In fact, it’s eye-opening. While I profess that the number one goal for my parenting efforts is to foster the growth of my kids’ faith, the reality of how we spend our time as a family says much more. Perhaps you have people in your congregations like me.
So let’s look at generalities. Are Christian parents generally missing the boat with our parenting efforts? Why or why not? Do you think we generally choose societal norms over Biblical standards, or have we just become complacent? What can we do to better maintain proper perspective on parenthood?
Any thoughts on what Voddie has to say, or in response to any of the questions above?
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I’ve never heard of the full vs wide debate before but just based on his paragraph, I’ll take the full. It’s the wide that doesn’t capture the top and bottom, i.e., Heaven and Hell. It seems that the wide just captures more of the world, while the full captures our full existence in Christ.
I’m not sure why you think we’ll be “proud” of the answers we’ll give, or why you might think we’re “stellar?” If you know your audience here at SBC Impact, then you should know that our answers will be the exact opposite. With four kids, there’s not a day that goes by where I drop the ball and fail to live up to our Biblical mandate. By His Grace, I don’t drop the ball as much as I used to but you could still call me butter fingers.
John,
Thought-provoking. I think the screen-view illustration is an interesting one. Indeed, it seems that many (if not most) of the parents in our churches (my church) have some difficulty finding the balance between training in the faith and the “worldly” expectations and pursuits. Who among us do not desire that our kids get a good education, have life goals, excel in their extracurriculars?
But the key is finding the balance. And a big key is found in the methods used to disciple our kids.
The thrust of our effort to train our children as faithful Christ-followers has been through missions and service through the church. My girls have been part of planting a new church. They have served in the nursery, led small groups, been on mission teams, etc … for six years. Now both are in high school. And both are, I believe, faithful disciples of the Lord.
So, from my point of view, one of the most vital things we can do to help our kids see the “big picture” of faith is to teach them how to be servants … at an early age. That, and avoiding the North American trap of sacrificing our children to the “gods” of competitive sports (another potential post).
John,
Call me an optimist…
I’d sure like to believe that our readership is chock full of wonderful, godly parents.
The analogy aside, I think Voddie’s point is simply that, to some Christian parents, Biblical parenting seems to leave their kids “missing out”. Because we love our kids so much, we don’t want that to happen, so we compromise a bit and soon our primary parenting goals begin to reflect things lesser than the callings and standards God has given us as parents.
If this is generally true, what can be done to help Christian parents to refocus on that which is truly important, and keep first things first?
Is it possible that generic Christian parenting shortcomings are as much a result of poorly discipled parents as anything else?
“Is it possible that generic Christian parenting shortcomings are as much a result of poorly discipled parents as anything else?”
I believe that the answer to that question would have to be in the affirmative.
John,
I believe there is a real tension between being “missional” as a family, modeling and encouraging missional behaviour and attitudes for our children, and “shielding” our children from the influence of the world, and the evil that goes along with it.
I have seen parents be radically “missional,” and end up suffering, as a result, when their kids end up getting sucked into the same worldly environment they are seeking to penetrate with the gospel. I have also seen parents who were so strict in the way they brought up their children that they provoked them to resentment and eventual rebellion.
I wish I could say that I’ve found the perfect balanced solution to this dilemma. I think that personally, I have erred on both sides at one time or another.
Maybe this is part of what you will address in future posts in this series, but I would appreciate any helpful advice on how to do “wide-screen” parenting, without, at the same time, eliciting a fortress-mentality, isolationist perspective towards the lost world around us that needs us to penetrate their lives, and offer them the hope of a real-life, hands on, “get wet and messy,” incarnational Christianity.
John,
I’m with Geoff on this one. I lead a family integrated life group, and the very first thing I do in our meetings is to model spiritual conversations that interact with the gospel. This is intentional because most of the parents have ‘confessed’ that they don’t know how to talk with their kids in a true gospel-centered way. All too often they want to use the gospel as a way to control bad behavior, or, just as bad, to just get ‘em saved and baptized.
Where did they get that idea? That’s not the transforming gospel of Christ. If the parents lack a solid understanding of the gospel, how can we expect the children understand.
So yes, this is all about poor discpling of the parents.
In my case, it’s often about the sin of laziness.
BTW, our life group is using Andy Stanley’s Parenting Required DVD as one of our resources. It hits many of the same points of your post:
Relationship rich vs Experience rich
Relationship and Authority
Dialing in good influences/Dialing out bad influences
The main point is that you want to have a ‘consensual’ authority (Dad, whaddya think?) with your child when you no longer have ‘real’ authority in their lives.
David,
I agree completely… there is definitely tension involved between living a missional life, modeling it for our children, yet shielding their fledgling faith from attacks to destroy it. I certainly wish I had some good answers!
As you probably are aware, it seems that Voddie leans more toward the protective, “isolationist” perspective on that matter, so we may not be able to glean many insights directly from his book on this matter. But there are definitely some good lead-in points in it, and I have every intention of raising some questions where we can bat that issue around in a future post.
Mike,
You point to a couple stinging examples of a flawed view of Biblical parenting… using the gospel as a hammer-like behavior modification tool, and as a tool to “just get ‘em saved and baptized”.
While we all hope our children respond to the gospel, we can’t force the issue. If you envision the kind of parenting techniques and conversations I am (in light of the above attitudes toward parenting), I can see how easily we can actually accomplish the opposite of our hopes and dreams… driving our kids further from a life-changing relationship with Christ.
“Chicago (March 11, 2008) – A CDC study released today estimates that one in four (26 percent) young women between the ages of 14 and 19 in the United States – or 3.2 million teenage girls – is infected with at least one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases.”
http://www.cdc.gov/STDConference/2008/media/release-11march2008.htm
I have heard that in my area some relatively wealthy parents are supplying their sexually-active teenage daughters with birth control pills. They are choosing to avoid the stigma of having a pregnant daughter, but they apparently aren’t too worried about STDs. The message sent by the parents to their daughters is very clear.
I’m afraid that a lot of parents want to delegate their discipleship responsibilities to the church, but fewer teens are attending church youth activities. When I was a youth minister in the 1980s, our biggest youth attendance came on Sunday morning. My friends in youth ministry tell me that their biggest youth attendance comes on Wednesday nights. Apparently the parents of the teens no longer “influence” them to come on Sunday mornings. Check out the LifeWay stats from May 23, 2007:
“Results from a LifeWay Research study of teenagers indicates that many teens are confused about what it takes to get to heaven. . . . That leaves approximately 28 percent of American teenagers who are trusting only in Jesus Christ as their means to get to heaven. . . . Compared to the 2005 results, there are several significant statistical declines. Fewer teens are attending Sunday School (20 percent versus 24 percent) and small-group Bible studies (14 percent versus 18 percent). As for outreach activity, fewer teens are discussing their beliefs with friends and inviting them to church activities. Twenty-four percent said they had told a friend about their religious beliefs in the last 30 days (compared to 30 percent in 2005). Fifteen percent had invited someone to a church activity in the last 30 days (compared to 19 percent in 2005).”
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?id=25708
Parents are certainly the key ingredient in the discipleship of their kids, but we cannot ignore the school situation, especially as the kids get older and are influenced more and more by their peers at school. Parents remain influential, but the school environment becomes their “real world” as they get older. It is tough to make generalizations about school environments. Some public schools are totally toxic environments, while others offer a Christian kid a realistic chance to gain a good education and be an effective witness to his peers. Similarly, some private schools are not Christian in any sense of the word. Some may be Christian in name only. Some have marvelous Christian standards that are enforced by great Christian teachers who also teach a Christian worldview. Some homeschoolers receive little or no Christian training, and others receive wonderful Christian training. Parents not only have the responsibility to disciple their kids at home—they also must do what they can to provide the right school environment for their kids. One size does not fit all. The more educational choices provided in a community, the better the chances are of finding a good environment.
I’m wondering if there is a difference in perspective from a “normal” parent and a “pastor” parent. I have personally felt pressure to balance “church” vs “work” in the eyes of my children. I am pleased that both of my sons (16 & 13) are enthusiastic at this point about their involvement in our church. My attitude at their age as a PK was more resentful and embittered. I have tried as a parent to draw a clear distinction between the relationship that we have with God and the relationships that we have with the church. I want my boys to see my faith as something distinct and above the church and yet consistant with who I am and what I do through the church. I have also tried to value my relationship with my family above the church. That means that I have sometimes been absent from church on a Sunday in order to watch my son participate in a competitive baseball tournament. I have also seen my son miss a tournament game (by his own choosing) because he didn’t want to miss out on something happening at the church. How do you guys balance “church” vs “work” as ministers?
BT…
I was wondering how long it would take for someone to bring up schooling, especially given my use of Voddie Baucham’s material as a conversation starter (in case anyone has forgotten, he has been a vocal backer of the SBC public school exodus resolutions).
Not that I want to kill conversation on the issue before it even gets going, but I did want to note that we’ll be tackling that topic head-on in a future post in this series.
All that said, your point is well-taken. Schooling influences our children immensely, and parents must seriously consider the issue as part of their kids’ overall spiritual development.
One more thought. . . . I know that in a lot of families both spouses must work just to make ends meet. In some cases, however, one spouse is working just to make payments on a huge house and other big-ticket items (luxery car, boat, etc.). Shouldn’t we be encouraging our folks to value a simpler lifestyle in which they can spend less hours working and more hours rearing their kids?
Oops, I didn’t spell “luxury” correctly. Speaking of earning money, how are most folks going to be able to afford private Christian schools if that is the only good option in their community?
The mom can teach at the school for discount tuition. Works for us.
Sounds good.
BT,
Yes to #13. The same thing goes for the parents that goes for the kids. We cannot have our worldly cake and eat our missional, discipleship-oriented family life, too. Or something like that. And homeschooling is always an option, no matter what community you are in. We’ve been homeschooling and loving it for a while. We’ve also done public schools, and private Christian schools. But homeschooling works best for us because we have the flexibility of schedule that allows us to be intentional about spending time together, even if I’m counseling at night, working weekends or whatever. And with homeschooling, we can teach our kids specific to their gifts and interests, which is great. And I work from a home office in the parsonage, so we love being able to see each other every day.
The main point is that you want to have a ‘consensual’ authority (Dad, whaddya think?) with your child when you no longer have ‘real’ authority in their lives.
Given that I’m not married or a parent, there’s a good possibility that I should keep quiet, but I thought I’d throw something in on this point.
I learned a long time ago to draw a technical distinction between positional authority and what might be called ‘earned’ authority. Positional authority is just that – authority you have because you have been given a position. It is granted ‘from above’ – a higher authority gives you the position – and is essentially instantaneous. Earned authority comes because people have watched your actions and have come to the conclusion that you can be trusted, perhaps in general, or perhaps in certain area (e.g. you might say someone is an ‘authority on computer networking’ – you (or perhaps most people) consider what they say as authoritative on computer networking, but not necessarily on other things). Earned authority is granted ‘from below’ and takes time.
One of the first things I noted after making this distinction is that while Jesus has all positional authority, and while He was here exercised it when dealing with nature (healing, calming storms, etc) and the spiritual realms (casting out demons), when dealing with people, He seems to have largely operated according to the rules of earned authority. There was no announcement of “I am the Messiah” – He essentially went about His Fathers business and let people (including his closest disciples) figure it out for themselves. In fact He seemed to go out of the way to keep His positional authority quiet – including shushing demons who would expose who he really was.
To get to the point, one of the mistakes people with positional authority sometimes make is to insist on being regarded as having instantly acquired earned authority. You can’t actually do that. Earned authority can’t be shortcut that way. Even though you have positional authority, it’s necessary to wait to get earned authority, and to actually act in such a way as to earn it.
I suppose the above could be considered an elaborate gloss on ‘respecting the position vs respecting the man’, but it seems to me to be profitable. If it helps you, great, if not, oh well.
To get back to the point (again), it seems to me that there will be areas where, as a responsible parent, you will have to insist on recognition of your positional parental authority. There will also be other areas where, if you are a wise parent, you will allow things to proceed according to the rules of earned authority (including acknowledging that you have to act in such a way as to actually earn that authority (or respect). Insisting on invoking positional authority in areas where earned authority is the better approach will result in resentment, rebellion, and the lack of any authority once the child has grown beyond the effectiveness of your (positional) parental authority.
Now watch. Someone will probably follow up and say the same thing in much simpler terms.
BTW, Mike, I’m glad you put real in scarequotes. I think it’s a mistake to regard positional authority as the only real authority. There are some times in life where it seems like positional authority is quite empty and only earned authority seems real.
Oloryn,
I think you expressed my point well. I want to be considered a primary influencer in my children’s lives as they navigate from childhood to adulthood. Think about the potential minefields in a young persons life. They primarily occur in ages 16-24.
If I focus solely on exerting positional authority when they’re tweeners / youth, I’m not gonna be allowed to be a resource when they starting walking through those minefields.
They’ll turn 18 and hit the road, metaphorically, and perhaps, physically speaking.
[...] on Voddie Baucham Jr.’s book), has touched on a number of topics: the discipleship void, issues with modern Christian parenting, cultural influences affecting our views toward kids, idolatry in Christian families, and Biblical [...]