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On Funerals
Posted by Bowden McElroy in Church & Missions
I went to a funeral yesterday; I’ll be attending another one tomorrow.
Tomorrow’s funeral is for a family member: my wife’s uncle. Since tomorrow is the last day of school, my wife – a teacher – will be unable to attend. I wasn’t that close to Uncle Roy; in fact, I only met him briefly on two or three occasions. If my wife could get free from school, I would probably stay at the office. Since she can’t, I cleared my schedule and called my oldest daughter. Would she, I asked, go with me in her mother’s place?
I took the opportunity to explain to her the role funerals play in our sense of family. In part, funerals remind us of where – and who – we came from. (Okay… so not exactly leading with the best argument, but I had to start somewhere.) Saying goodbye to someone she barely remembers wasn’t a particularly persuasive argument. Supporting her grandmother seemed to resonate with her. And then it occurred to me that I don’t really believe closure or supporting the family are the best reasons to go to a funeral.
And that brings us to yesterday. Tuesday’s service was for an acquaintance from church. I’ve only known Winston the past four or five years. I was surprised to learn he was only 79, he looked much older. Unable to stand up straight he wound his way up and down the halls of the church with the help of a cane. Not an ordinary cane, one of those that was sort of a cross between a walker and a cane. He sang in the choir every Sunday. Some days he looked energetic and had a twinkle in his eye; other days he looked as if the weight of the choir robe were nearly too much for him. I knew him as a nice guy and a faithful church member.
Yesterday, I learned much more about Winston. And I learned it from his son. It wasn’t so much the facts I learned – that he had been a naval aviator in the Korean war, for example – but the imprint of his life upon his son. One deeply spiritual man – speaking of his dad but pointing every person there toward Jesus Christ – praising another man who spent his life following Christ.
Attending a funeral isn’t solely about saying goodbye, gaining closure, or supporting those who were closest to the deceased. Those things are important, but not the most important.
Attending a funeral is about belonging to a community. It’s fellowship in the deepest sense of the word. It’s about celebrating – to borrow from Hariette’s analogy – the different colors and flavors of all the M&M’s in the bowl. It’s about lives well lived and races well run. I don’t know where Winston or Uncle Roy (both believers and both Southern Baptists) stood on any of the issues we so often discuss in SBC blogs. I realize I don’t care what they believed regarding Calvinism or alcohol or what constitutes an appropriate baptism. And somehow, I don’t think it matters. Not now, not for them. What matters is we celebrate lives lived in the pursuit of God. We are to grieve differently than the world does; and I don’t think we can do that alone. We can only do that in the presence of others who, like us, have tried – and occasionally failed – to follow wherever He leads.
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I love to read your articles, Bowden. Thanks
Bowden, great reminder of things most important. Thanks!
Trey Atkins
Oh how I wish we could all live the way you described these men in death.
Bowden, when my son died, one of the greatest joys of my life was snuffed out. Yet his funeral brought about one of the greatest joys that ever occurred in my life. I sat and listened to several people share how much Chad had affected their lives. I learned the significance his mere 33 years had held to many but not all the people he passed on his journey here. It was like candles that were handed out to others before he died to be lit to brighten my day on what could have been the darkest moment of my life. I can thank my son for those candles and for the people who came to the funeral as flames that lit them. I will remember that funeral always as a time of celebrating a life lived in love of others. selahV
The conclusion of your post is one that we should all hear and heed, Bowden. Most of what we dicker about, in the grand scheme of things, rally does not matter. What matters is that we follow Christ, in the power of the Holy Spirit, wherever He may lead, to the glory of God the Father. Praying for your family during this time of grieving and sorrow.
Mrs. V,
Always remember, you’re not alone.
Thank you all for the kind words.
Hariette,
I cannot imagine the loss of a child. We’re just not supposed to outlive our children.
Bowden,
Thanks for the good words about the community aspect of funerals. As we viewed photos this past Memorial Day Sunday at church of members who have passed away in the last year (something that takes place in Missouri Baptist life that didn’t occur in Texas), I mentally calculated that I had officiated at 12 of those members’ funerals. I also have done some others for friends and family of some of our members that weren’t included in that total.
I find funeral ministry to be one of the most rewarding (and at times challenging) things that I do. It’s great to be able to reflect with a family upon the legacy that their loved one has left behind and to rejoice with them over a life lived well. That’s a bit tougher obviously when I didn’t know the person well or when there is little if any evidence of that individual having had a personal relationship with Christ. Those can be extremely hard services to conduct.
I’m on a list of volunteers to respond to emergency calls (after-hours) for ministers or chaplains at a local hospital and that has also opened up avenues for ministry and led to my doing some funerals for folks that I would never have known otherwise.
Thanks again for your post and the good thoughts about the community aspect of funerals.
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