The other day I wrote about the power of – and need for – commitment in marriage when Kevin left this comment:

How do you balance the message of Grace and commitment to marriage? I had someone try to tell me that we focus too much on commitment and that actually sends people into divorce.

I was unaware grace and commitment were opposites that needed to be balanced.

I think I understand what Kevin’s acquaintance was suggesting: once a person believes the only choice he has is to either stay married and be utterly miserable forever or obtain a divorce, be forgiven, and start over again, then I can see how that distortion might lead to divorce.

The operative word being “might”. For the most part, I think Kevin’s friend is full of hot air. Commitment doesn’t lead to divorce. Commitment preserves marriage and protects us from divorce.

Part of the problem is we are not committed to marriage in our culture. We are committed to serial monogamy: sexual fidelity to one person at a time. Commitment to marriage is about far, far more than faithfulness in the bedroom.

Commitment is about faithfulness in all areas of the relationship. Commitment is about the whole of our marriage vows.

One of the reasons I try to avoid the complementarian/egalitarian debate is the focus on authority; if working out a theology of marriage is simply about deciding who is in charge, then we’ve missed the main point of marriage. (The main reason I dislike the debate is I see that both positions have some validity and both have some problems; I don’t know why I should have to align myself with Doug Groothuis on the one hand or Wayne Grudem on the other when I’m not convinced either has is completely right.)

An understanding of marriage has to take in more than just the question of power and authority. Marriage also includes:

issues of grace and forgiveness

putting off the old nature while putting on the new

demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit in one’s life

And let’s not forget all of Paul’s one another passages.

Grace and commitment don’t need to be balanced. Both can be fully lived out simultaneously. Both are necessary to a complete understanding of marriage.