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Grace vs Commitment?
Posted by Bowden McElroy in Uncategorized
The other day I wrote about the power of – and need for – commitment in marriage when Kevin left this comment:
How do you balance the message of Grace and commitment to marriage? I had someone try to tell me that we focus too much on commitment and that actually sends people into divorce.
I was unaware grace and commitment were opposites that needed to be balanced.
I think I understand what Kevin’s acquaintance was suggesting: once a person believes the only choice he has is to either stay married and be utterly miserable forever or obtain a divorce, be forgiven, and start over again, then I can see how that distortion might lead to divorce.
The operative word being “might”. For the most part, I think Kevin’s friend is full of hot air. Commitment doesn’t lead to divorce. Commitment preserves marriage and protects us from divorce.
Part of the problem is we are not committed to marriage in our culture. We are committed to serial monogamy: sexual fidelity to one person at a time. Commitment to marriage is about far, far more than faithfulness in the bedroom.
Commitment is about faithfulness in all areas of the relationship. Commitment is about the whole of our marriage vows.
One of the reasons I try to avoid the complementarian/egalitarian debate is the focus on authority; if working out a theology of marriage is simply about deciding who is in charge, then we’ve missed the main point of marriage. (The main reason I dislike the debate is I see that both positions have some validity and both have some problems; I don’t know why I should have to align myself with Doug Groothuis on the one hand or Wayne Grudem on the other when I’m not convinced either has is completely right.)
An understanding of marriage has to take in more than just the question of power and authority. Marriage also includes:
issues of grace and forgiveness
putting off the old nature while putting on the new
demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit in one’s life
And let’s not forget all of Paul’s one another passages.
Grace and commitment don’t need to be balanced. Both can be fully lived out simultaneously. Both are necessary to a complete understanding of marriage.
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In marriage it seems to me that we have to be committed to grace. Grace to forgive a slight whether intentional or unintentional. Commitment to stay the course when grace seems to be one-sided.
Power and authority are NOT what will hold a marriage together that will be a witness & testimony of Christ to a lost & dying world. Only a marriage that exudes grace, forgiveness, and the laying down of self for someone else will truly be the “picture” of Christ that the Lord requires.
Good post!
Deborah,
“Grace to forgive a slight whether intentional or unintentional. Commitment to stay the course when grace seems to be one-sided.”
Well said.
One of the reasons I try to avoid the complementarian/egalitarian debate is the focus on authority; if working out a theology of marriage is simply about deciding who is in charge, then we’ve missed the main point of marriage.
I think one of the problems is that we still largely handle authority “as the Gentiles do” – we really don’t have much of a handle on what Jesus meant by servant leadership. We end up arguing over who should be in charge (remind you of something the 12 disciples did?), when the real problem is what we do with that authority once we’ve got it. We tend to hang onto it and its perqs and privileges for dear life, just the opposite of the attitude we’re supposed to have (see Phil 2:5,6; if Jesus considered equality with God as not something to be grasped, how much less should we consider the comparative drips and drabs of authority that we end up with as something to hang on to?). We too often use the feelings that being “in authority” gives us to fill in gaps in our own emotions and to make up for other lacks in our lives, which makes us grasp onto that authority even more.
It’s something of a paradox, but it seems that you can’t be the leader God intends you to be unless you’re capable of letting go of that leadership. I can’t say that I completely understand how that’s supposed to work, but I am convinced we need to beg God for more clarity on it. This is an issue that Jesus had to repeatedly deal with with the 12 disciples, and I don’t think we’re catching on much better.
Oloryn,
Re: “I can’t say that I completely understand how that’s supposed to work…”
I find that the more I focus on my character issues (fruit of the Spirit, putting off the old nature, etc.) the less often the issue of who’s in charge even comes up.
Oloryn, the beauty of submission is that when we submit “unto the Lord” the joy we have in obedience supercedes any self-saturated desire to rule anyone. We are “in Christ” and He is in us. So as we yield to His superior wisdom and direction with each detail of our lives, all the other relationships fall into line with what He desires for our good. I can only say this because of the years I spent in vanity and pride warring against God’s plan for blessing my marriage. His way, I discovered, is better than my way. selahV