The woman sitting in my office was quietly struggling to remain composed. “I just can’t live this way any more”, she said. She described her husband as being an alcoholic who abused prescription pain medications, had a series of affairs over their 20 years of marriage, and was selfish to the point of narcissism.

“But”, she said, “I don’t want to do the wrong thing”. The decision to stay or divorce was difficult to the point of immobilizing her. Part of her struggle was her newly rediscovered spirituality. Born again years ago, she had wandered away from God and has recently begun to experience anew her relationship with the Lord. Another part of her struggle is the guilt she feels over an emotional affair with a coworker.

(Note: I do have a specific person in mind. The above, though, could have been written about any number of women – and a more than a few men – I have talked with in the past year. Details have been altered to protect the privacy of all of those to whom this scenario might apply.)

I recommended the following course of action: she and I look at all of her available options, she have a long talk with her pastor about the finer points of what the Bible says about marriage and divorce, and finally, that she allow herself time to make this decision: there is nothing pressing her so strongly she has to rush into a life altering decision.

The options:

First, she can hire an attorney and file for divorce. Oklahoma has no-fault divorce laws and there is an abundance of attorneys who will – for a fee – help her through this process. She would no longer have to agonize over the “what if’s” of divorce. For better of worse, her decision would be made. The down side is divorces are often messy: if her husband is even half the jerk she makes him out to be divorcing him would certainly be a battle.

One thing I can guarantee in a divorce: the children always lose and only the lawyers win. As to the theological questions, most of the pastors I know would cite the exception clause in Matthew and say divorce is occasionally allowable for Christians. A few would say there is never a legitimate, biblical reason to divorce. All would agree God intends marriage to be a life long commitment; anything less than a healthy marriage is a sad state of affairs.

Second, she can commit to persevering and remain married. In all likelihood, if she continues to do what she has always done, she will continue to experience the same outcome. That is, he’ll continue to have affairs, drink too much, and be overbearingly self centered. The problem is that when commitment to a religious principle is ALL that remains to keep one married, people eventually reach the end of their ability to tolerate an intolerable marriage. Christians tend to consider divorce an attractive alternative when they have convinced themselves there are only two choices: divorce, be forgiven, and have a chance at happiness or stay married and be intensely, hopelessly miserable for the rest of their life.

There may be a third option; and that brings me to the final strategy to be considered. She can reframe the decision. Instead of “to divorce or not to divorce” she can focus on what it means to live a godly, healthy, functional life. What would it take to do that while remaining married and simultaneously refusing to be emotionally bullied?

What people fail to appreciate is the oneness of marriage. The “two becoming one” is not a goal, it’s a reality. That means when one person changes, the other must adjust to those changes. If she becomes more assertive and stops putting up with his sin, if she becomes more outgoing and pursues her interests in Bible study and the church and develops her relationships with friends and her children, then she has changed the rules under which this marriage has operated for years. I can safely predict he will make some changes in the way he relates to his “new wife”. I can’t predict how he will change. We hope he will recognize all he is about to lose and begin to work on his marriage. He may decide to take the initiative and divorce her in order to find another doormat who will cater to his every narcissistic whim. Either way she wins: she either has a reasonable and realistic shot at making her marriage work, or she has the burden of making the divorce decision lifted from her.

Few people caught in a bad marriage know how to redefine the rules of the relationship. I think we need to get better at walking with our church members through this process. Simply saying “stay married because the Bible says so”, or “I guess you have grounds for divorce” isn’t helpful.

What does your church do to help troubled marriages?

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