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Teens, Sex, and the Church
Posted by Bowden McElroy in Uncategorized
It was 1976 and my little brothers had just made an attempt at telling an inappropriate joke. I think my mother would have been more upset with them if it weren’t so obvious they had no idea what they were talking about. Mom’s response was to insist my dad have “the sex talk” with them. I was sixteen and on my way to work when I passed Dad walking down the hall – huge medical encyclopedia under his arm and little brothers in tow. “I’m going to talk to your brothers about sex”, Dad said. “I’d invite you to join us but I assume you already know all about it.”
That was it: the sum of all the advice or education I ever received from any adult or authority figure other than the obligatory 5th grade health lecture in elementary school.
Somehow I muddled through. It was important to me as a Christian teen that I maintain sexual purity- though I couldn’t have defined what that phrase meant at the time. My will power waxed and waned throughout my teens but through a combination of conviction and social ineptitude I persevered.
My approach has been different with my own children. Rather than “the talk” I have tried to have a series of age-appropriate small talks with each of the girls throughout their lives. Throughout my career I have encouraged youth ministers to talk openly and honestly with parents about how the church can help educate their children. My favorite approach is for me to talk with the parents while youth leaders are talking with the teens; parents receive the same information their children are hearing plus tips on how to start a series of small talks with their teens. Some congregations are open to this, others aren’t. To this day I find myself talking with teens whose sex education has mirrored my own sorely lacking experience.
In his book Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers
80 percent (of evangelical teens) think sex should be saved for marriage. But thinking is not the same as doing. Evangelical teens are actually more likely to have lost their virginity than either mainline Protestants or Catholics. They tend to lose their virginity at a slightly younger age – 16.3, compared with 16.7 for the other two faiths. And they are much more likely to have had three or more sexual partners by age 17: 13.7 percent of evangelicals have, compared with 8.9 percent for mainline Protestants.
Hannah Rosin, writing for Slate.com (Even Evangelical Teens Do It: How religious beliefs do, and don’t, influence sexual behavior) believes Regnerus’ work means parents in the evangelical community do talk to their teens about sex; but they focus on the morality of sex rather than the biology. The outcome of this approach is…
Evangelical teens don’t accept themselves as people who will have sex until they’ve already had it. As a result, abstinence pledgers are considerably less likely than nonpledgers to use birth control the first time they have sex. “It just sort of happened,” one girl told the researchers, in what could be a motto for this generation of evangelical teens.
I’m not afraid of older teens understanding the biology of sex, including understanding family planning and birth control. I think we create problems when we treat sexual morality and sexual mechanics as two separate entities. Teens need both.
Rosin closes her analysis with these words:
Regnerus’ ultimate conclusion is not all that surprising. What really matters is not which religion teenagers identify with but how strongly they identify. After controlling for all factors (family satisfaction, popularity, income), religion matters much less than religiosity. (Note: Rosin appears to use the term ‘religiosity’ to identify those teens whose behavior reflects their stated religious affiliation as opposed to those who claim an affiliation but do not act upon it.) Among the mass of typically promiscuous teenagers in the book, one group stands out: the 16 percent of American teens who describe religion as “extremely important” in their lives. When these guys pledge, they mean it. One study found that the pledge works better if not everyone in school takes it. The ideal conditions are a group of pledgers who form a self-conscious minority that perceives itself as special, even embattled.
Parents can educate their own children. Experience tells me few follow through with their good intentions. What parents can’t do – what the church can do – is use the dynamics of the peer group to help create a sense of “a self-conscious minority that perceives itself as special, even embattled.”
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David Black has an excellent book called The Myth of Adolescence. Unfortunately it cannot be purchased new (unless you go to Lifeway on the Southeastern Campus). Maybe they can order it intra-lifeway too… I do not know. But I think it touches on some of these topics and ideas. Like the idea that we/society has this form that tells children they are not adults until 18/21 (or 28 now). But their reproductive organs develop at 12ish. 300-400 years ago it was common for the younger to get married, but our comfy lifestyle has changed that… which has promoted promiscuity. It is an interesting thing to think about.
My sex education came pretty much from friends. I do not recall my parents talking to me about it at all. We were not a “Christian” family but we were really open to the idea of sex. I was a very promiscuous young man. It was not really frowned upon either. I think you are right in your small-talks. Openness is good, if it is guided by the Holy Spirit.
Great post!
God’s Glory,
Lew
The Pursuit Online Store
Lew,
We keep extending adolescence. My grandfathers dropped out of school in the 8th grade to begin working and then left home around age 17 or 18. For them, adolescence was the period of time they were working but not yet fully independent.
Baby Boomers tend to think of adolescence as beginning at 13 and ending at 22 upon graduation from college. Now, though, many people are taking 5 or 6 years to finish college and then moving back home.
Developmental psychologists tend to think of adolescence as ending when a person can answer the question “Who am I, really”. In that case, we have plenty of 40 and 50 year old adolescents running around.
Bowden: I particularly like the way you say to have the little talks with your children as their minds understand things.
I also think it important to discuss what God’s Word says on the matter as we listen to everyday messages from media, television, and magazines.
My daughter and her husband are raising two teen boys right now, and two tiny girls. So the boys have concrete proof what can result from sex. But they are also taught how to take precautions beyond the birth control measures to curb their raging hormones.
To be vigilant to what goes into their minds by sight, to avoid situations where they could be vulnerable. To highly respect women. These are just a few. I’d love to hear some examples of age-talks with children. I think you ought to write a book on these things and then folks would be posting blogs about your ideas. selahV
SelahV,
Thanks for the compliment; I’m trying to carve out enough time to do the reading I want to do. I can’t imagine finding time to write a book.
When my older two were younger, some of my friends were appalled I would allow them to watch “Friends”. I thought the show provided an excellent opportunity to discuss how a Christian world view differed from the one presented on TV. The show provided fodder for all kinds of discussions: sex, dating, marriage, parenting, etc. The key was I watched with them and we had the discussions afterwards.
Bowden,
Al Mohler has an interesting post on extended adolescence and review of the book “The Death of the Grown-Up” at http://www.albertmohler.com/blog_read.php?id=1013.
He echoes your thoughts. And I agree. American kids, particularly boys, are not growing up. And that is why the game Halo 3, released this week, will be the largest first-day sale of any media ever (movies, music, etc.). They are expecting more than 3 million copies to be sold on the first day.
It is teenage and 20-something “boys” who are driving these sales and spending hours playing video games instead of working, raising families, or making their lives matter. The church needs to give them something dangerous to do, so they might grow up and embrace who God has made them to be.
I’m 38 years old and am still waiting for my dad to have “the talk” with me. I grew up in the church — Dad has been a deacon or elder for almost 30 years.
It sure would have helped . . .
Being the father of two young children, I like your approach of age-appropriate discussions.
Darryl,
Never too late. You could initiate “the talk” with your dad. Might be kinda fun.
While I agree somewhat with the comment Roger made regarding the immaturity of post-adolescent males in our society, I don’t agree with the blanket statements, “American kids, particularly boys, are not growing up. And that is why the game Halo 3, released this week, will be the largest first-day sale of any media ever (movies, music, etc.” One of the most mature 18 year old young men I know has grown up playing video games. I have yet to beat him in Halo 2 and look forward to playing Halo 3 with him when he comes to my house for Thanksgiving with his family. He has already been on mission to China twice, Mexico two or three times, and has held down employment for quite some time. He was on staff at the world view camps this summer.
If we eliminated all video games from the world tomorrow, we still wouldn’t end up with mature young men in the next twenty years as a result. I don’t think that’s what Roger was saying. It’s not the games, or movies, or anything else other than a lack of parenting.
I am a homeschool father and the boy I’m talking about is a homeschooled boy, but homeschooling doesn’t necessarily produce mature young men. It does, however, provide many more opportunities for boys to interact with their parents. That is the single most important factor for producing young men and women, outside of a personal relationship with the Heavenly Father through His Son. Active parenting is required. Granted, there is a plethora of distractions (video games, TV, cell phones, IPODS, etc.) It’s not the presence of technology. It’s the absence of parents, especially fathers, and that doesn’t mean just absent from the home. It means absent from actively engaging our sons and daughters.
I think this is one of the same reasons many churches are immature. We like to preach, but we don’t like to shepherd. Preaching is far less risky and messy than pastoring. Pastors need to be engaged actively in discipling their parishioners. Discipling is just a whole lot like parenting. It takes lots of work, it has few short-term rewards, and it risks rejection at every turn, but it is absolutely necessary for producing Christ-like parishioners.
P.S. By the time my dad had the talk with me, I had been reading Penthouse letters for 9 years. And, what’s really crazy about it is that Dad was the one who provided the Penthouse to me. Go figure.
I agree that the talk should be had many times in age-appropriate ways. However, there is a time when the age-appropriateness steps up a bit. When that happens, we have used Passport To Purity, from Family Life. It’s a weekend experience for a father and son, mother and daughter, that is special and really teaches some good stuff.
Bowden,
Your word picture of your dad walking down the hall with an medical encyclopedia with your little brothers in tow I would have paid a mint to see. Your mom’s offense would have seemed like nonsense to me as a single guy – but as a married man with children the female response seems totally in character!
Rob
Rob,
You didn’t ask, but… another story.
Daughter no.2 was 4-almost-5 when my wife was pregnant with our youngest: The perfect time for “small talks”. “How did the baby get in there?”, she asked. I gave her what I thought was an age-appropriate explanation, but no, she wanted more details. So I explained the whole thing a second time in more detail. Still more questions: “But how does the baby get out?” So I explained – in yet more detail – what was going to happen at the birth.
I wasn’t sure she understood. Yep, more questions and another explanation.
At that point she looked down at her lap and exclaimed: “Oh my God!”
Finally… she understood.
Cyle,
I don’t agree with my blanket statement either: some American boys are growing up, of course. My generality was not meant as an absolutism. Of course some are growing up, and being responsible and being godly and following Jesus well.
But many are not. I don’t blame video games for this. But the popularity of these games, the all-night gaming sessions, the many wasted hours are a symptom of an aimlessness that comes with not knowing why they are here. Not every kid who plays video games is aimless, and not every aimless kid plays video games, but the generality is still pretty accurate. Never in history have so many young people wasted so much of their time.
Godly families and missional churches need to inspire this generation to do things that matter, to live their lives with true abundance, to join John Piper in imploring them “Don’t Waste Your Life.” This may begin with talking with them about their sexuality and what it means to be a man or woman when they are very young. And again and again, talking with them and teaching them as they grow older.
You and I have much in common: we both homeschool our kids, we both had dads who did not steer us right when they should have, and we both are determined to do better with our little ones. May the Father bless you and guide you in your fathering in the days ahead.
Thanks Roger. Hey, my wife wants to talk to your wife about homeschooling. If she’s interested, send me an email.
Cyle
One idea that hasn’t really been unpacked is whether the parents are modeling a healthy, Godly approach to sex themselves. How are children going to believe their parents when they say sex is best saved for marriage if their own conjugal bed is cold? Children who see the that the sizzle is still in their parents’ relationship will be less likely to settle for the ‘stolen water’ of premarital sexual activity. Even if they’re not conscious of it, kids will know intuitively if their parents’ relationship is a good one, so husband and wife should model a healthy marriage and not withhold themselves from each other.
G. F.,
Excellent point. Attitudes – as well as behaviors – are taught in the home. Kid’s really do pick up on the quality of their parent’s marriage. They (the children) may not know what is wrong, but they will intuitively know something is wrong. And the same with godly marriages: the kid’s will be more likely to pick up on how marriage should be.